Day one of Medication

I've had the filled prescriptions in my purse for three days. I've spent hours on message boards reading reviews. My in box is filled with text messages from my friends, spelling out letter for letter what their experience was like with Xanax, virtually holding my hand so I knew what to expect. Even so, three days went by and I had waves of anxiety just thinking about the pills. I couldn't even take them out of their little CVS bags.

Today was the day. I knew I had The Mr. home with me for most of the day, and I knew I didn't want to take it alone. I knew that tomorrow is Sunday, which means the next day is Monday, which means back to work, because there are only so many days you can miss before you're replaced.

So I took the bottle out of the bag. I let an our pass, its orange sheen threatening in my periphery. I opened the bottle and cut a pill in half. Then I cut that half in half. Then I let another half hour pass. Finally, I took it between two fingers, surprised that such a fearsome thing could be so small. A bit of white medical chalk lingered in the ripple creases of my finger prints. I cried and cried. And I felt nothing. Small breezes of wooziness passed, but that could have been my psyche nervously seeking side effects. I didn't feel drowsy. I didn't feel anything out of the ordinary. We watched shows as I cradled my stomach, fiddled with the heating pad, trying to make my cramps go away.

It wasn't till much later, hours after the 1/4 dosage would have worn off, that something happened. It happened in an unannounced sort of way. The way the sun sets and slowly your room is too dark and it takes you a while to realize you need to turn a light on. I had just taken the Amino Acids* that my mother had given me and they gave me an unexpected boost. A little too much a boost as it was; I haven't even been drinking coffee, so the sudden rush of energy was overwhelming. I felt fluttery and jittery. So I ate two pieces of toast with almond butter. (this is also, now that I think about it, a not small miracle. My anxiety has made it so that even when I know I feel sick because I need to eat, I can't. This moment of me eating because I needed to is huge. HUGE.) I quickly felt better. And it was then that it happened.

I asked The Mr. if he wanted to go for a walk. (He has been trying to get me to go on a walk for weeks. All his research on anxiety tells him that it will help. But I pulled the covers over my head, wept, trembled, and declined. He would rub my back and put on cartoons. So this was unexpected.) On this walk I picked some Rosemary sprigs. We stopped in from of our favorite houses and admired the plants. I crouched down to eye an unknown flower, sweetly smelling of honey and over run with busy happy ants. I held his hand. I spoke. Then I cried because I realize how long it had been.

It has been so long since we had a real, lasting, engaging conversation. Its been so long since I held his hand. Its been so long since I left the house without ending up in a fetal position. He noticed it. I didn't even have to say it. He just held up his hand for a high five and said "Look at you babe!" Then he held me in quick bursts of excited hugs while I cried and laughed and looked like a fool.

Whether or not it was the Xanax or the Amino Acids, I can't say. A combination? I'm not sure. I just hope this isn't a flash in the pan, but rather and indication of getting my life back. of getting myself back.

If anyone out there reads list and has experience with healing anxiety naturally I'd love to talk to you. My other prescription is for Lexapro, but I'm uncomfortable taking something long term. Share any ideas you have please!

The Rosemary. Maybe sprouting on my windowsill? 

And this is Z Cat. Being all cute.

An update about eating

I've been eating well, in spite of my anxiety tummy and other afflictions. Every day I ink in five squares in my planner; three for meals two for snacks. And as each meal is competed I get to triumphantly check away that square.

These are the meals I've been eating lately. Both originated as breakfast ideas, but it turns out they work nicely for lunch and dinner as well.

Meal No 1; (For the last few mornings I've been having sweet potatoes and turkey bacon for breakfast and it is yummy if you like sweet potatoes which I'm not sure I do but it works.)

One sweet Potato feeds the both of us.
First chop up some fresh sage, then Sautee it in the pan till it gets chard on its edges.
Then add chopped sweet potato.
Then move to the side. I've been having Turkey Bacon with my sweet Potatoes while The Mr has Turkey Bacon and Eggs. His smells really good. I have not taken a picture of this yet. Maybe tomorrow!

Meal No 2; I generally heat up some greens in a pan with a bit of Olive Oil, garlic, and cayenne pepper.

One head of Broccoli, chop up into cute florets Saute in the pan first, letting them get soft. This is a good time to start chopping and washing the greens. I use Kale and Collard Greens or Mustard Greens. Their pungent flavor really wakes ya up in the morning! Go ahead and add some onions or maybe even a bell pepper. You know, spice it up a bit!
Go ahead and throw that all into the pan. I like it cooked thoroughly, till the onions are almost transparent and the greens get a bit charred on the edges but not burnt all over.
Don't forge the garlic!
Sometimes I have fish with this meal. Done up in the pan with generous amounts of Dill. Yum.

Meal No 3; Rice pasta with some kind of meat (fish usually) and a salad on the side.

Meal No 4; Lentil Tacos
Pink Lentils, when cooked, resemble refried beans. On top of them go onions, cabbage, cilantro, the works.

Snacks;
Today I grilled up some peaches really fast and sprinkled a big of nutmeg on them. That was really good.

I've been staying away from dairy which has been sad. I've also been reading up on Cow personalities and Chicken treatment and Pigs At Play and its getting really hard to keep eating meat.

I've been dreaming of having a garden full of bees and butterflies.

A Barbeque from the past

This Barbeque happened on Friday August Ninth (today it is the fifteenth). It was a farewell of sorts to my friends, who moved up to Portland two days ago. I didn't take any pictures of them, I don't know why. The Lady was wearing a red dress and a new and well fitting jean jacket; deep blue denim in the lavender late summer. He is tall and fresh, as one often is after a breaking point; new air and new light gets let in through the cracks. Like a newly hatched duckling, downy and happy. And I didn't take their picture. I will have to hold that memory in my mind for always and hope it doesn't fade or that the corners don't curl with age.

I only took pictures of the food. The cake was made by the Lady, and it was the yummiest of all cakes. Gluten free and poppy seeds and lavender. Lemon frosting. To. Die. For.

They've been gone two days and I already deeply miss them.

We're going to follow them soon, in a month and a half or so, and yet I miss them.

August Fifteenth, Two thousand and Thirteen.

Rock bottom. Throw down the rope. I can't find my footing.
I haven't been able to leave the house.
If I'm walking I'm okay-ish, able to keep my anxiety around a 5. But if I'm in the car its a full blow attack.
I haven't been to work since Monday.
I was able to see a good Dr thanks to the lovely ladies I work for and with; the company paid for my visit. So I have a prescription for Xanax and Lexapro. I have the Xanax right now because it was only $11.50 but the other was $50.somthing and while my insurance is being difficult I can't afford that.
The pills are sitting next to my bed mat, still in their bag. I haven't even looked at the bottle. The idea of taking anti-anxiety medication is giving me higher anxiety. I know I need to do this. I don't think I have any other options.
What am I afraid of? Everything. Narrowing it down I feel trapped. Trapped in the side effects. I'm over thinking this. I'm trapped now. Trapped in my room. Trapped in my head.
I wish I would have written my masterpiece before taking a pill that might/will dampen my creative genius.
insert laughter.

-A.H.

Day 1; first attempt at Kava

This weekend has been a lazy one, full of easy laying around. I've got a jump start on my knitting, found some good books to read, and went grocery shopping for the week. In an hour or so some friends of ours are coming over and we will be bbqueing it up in the back yard with gluten free brownies to follow.

This morning I started the day off with yogurt, which only proved to myself that dairy is not a good option for me right now. So instead I made myself a sauteed yumminess of two kale leaves, to collard leaves, some onions and garlic. The strong flavor of these two leafy greens was a great way to get the day started. Not only are dark leafy greens high in iron and fiber, but they're also great sources of protein and omega three fatty acids. Check out this link here  for other great facts about Kale. This would be great with some potatoes or tofu too.

For lunch I had an amazing salad that my husband made. Full of all things good it had radishes, onions, avocado (<3) cucumber, sunflower seeds and garbanzo beans. Tearing the leaves and muddling them with your hands is a great way to make your dish easier to digest. In addition, it also releases the vitamins and antioxidants, making them more readily available to your system.

He makes the best salads.

I'm pretty undecided when it comes to medications of any kind, especially the psychological kind. While I recognize their merit and don't argue with their necessity in some cases, its hard to ignore the fact that they're prescribed all to often and in cases where other methods can be used. As my case worsens I haven't ruled out medication. I also started looking up medical marijuana (I've never smoked before and it doesn't seem like the best option. It makes you paranoid right? How will that help my anxiety? I'd love anyone's input on this.). But I decided to start with Kava.

And by decided, I mean my husband made me pinky swear that I would try it. So I did. For the first time today, after filling my browsers tabs with articles on how to use it and who should use it, its history, and its various forms. Kava comes to us from the Pacific Islands and is used as traditionally as a celebratory drink, not unlike wine in other parts of the world. Its also prescribed in cases of anxiety, insomnia, and physical pain. The only real concern with Kava is Liver damage, though that has been largely debunked, thought to be caused by a manufacturer which used the poisonous tops of the plant. Even so it would probably be best to consult a physician first. I didn't. So whatever.

The brand I use is Herb Pharm and it comes as a tincture. The recommended dosage is 30-40 drops but I thought started off with just 15, to be on the safe side. I took it fairly soon after eating that salad and then we went for a walk. I felt a little dizzy, or just light, like I was taller than I really was, like a shadow must feel like when it stretches long across the sidewalk in the late evening. I was super relaxed and needed to lay down in the quiet. Its been a little over an hour and I still feel very relaxed, especially behind my eyes. 

Time will tell if Kava helps in a big way for me. Taking something that I have to lay down afterwards isn't really functional for me, but maybe its just a matter of getting used to it. Also it tastes terrible. I mean...really terrible. And it makes your mouth numb (just the tip of my tongue, which is my favorite part). Anyways. Right now I feel good, focused, and relaxed. So winning all around.

Time to get this bbq underway!!

Reset button.

Quite a bit has changed since last we spoke and since days are long yet time is brief I will keep the story to the sweet details and spare you the lengthy in between havocky bits.

There is only so long that you can try to force something. If every door slams shut in your face followed by a dead bolt thud and click from the other side, at some point you must admit this "thing" that you're trying to do just isn't working out. Well, the final door shut in our face costing us $860. And we just knew, driving around San Francisco with the entire contents of our lives in our car with no where to go, looking for a Quickly because nights like this call for Boba and Fried Lobster; we knew it was over. We called our friends and let them know we'd be taking them up on their offer to house us. We found a hotel room. Made woopie on a real bed for the first time in months (insider tip air mattresses =/= sexy times).

The next day we quit our jobs outright, something we had never done before. Our bosses were understanding and generous with their offers of help; My lovely lady boss is the one who motivated me to get our money back, which we did. She also reported the bad craigslist add to the people who you report stuff like that too. By and large our experiences in S.F. were wonderful and I do miss the city, the people, the politics, the rainbows, the fog.

On the way out of the city we stopped at every food truck we saw before we said goodbye to the Bay Bridge for it would never signal home to us again.

We now live again in our home town of Fresno CA. Home to the dry grass, sharp as needles. Home to the sky, white hot. Where where water bottles and snack bars are essential survival tactics and heat stroke is an ever present threat. I couldn't admit it to anyone, not myself and certainly not to my friends back home, but living in the fresh air of the Bay did make me nostalgic for the heat of the Valley. I missed bare skin, dewy with sweat, that got goosebumps when the wind blew or when passing in front of an AC vent. I missed shorts and skirts. I missed balmy nights spent on porches dodging june bugs.

Well, After three weeks home I'm over that now.

We're staying with some friends who are really family and we are so happy and so full of peace. For the first time in ages I feel safe. We have a back yard to play cards in, a house dog who is always down for cuddles, and a whole room full of windows. I couldn't ask for more.

That being said, its interesting that my anxiety has not gotten better. In fact its worse. Perhaps this is the decompression from being so stressed out for so long. I spent months hedging myself in, boarding up windows and peering through the knotholes, shotgun loaded. I had to pump myself up and prepare for conflict just walking to the bathroom. I had to be ready for anything.

Now that I can relax, perhaps my disorders have taken the opportunity to dump months worth of panic and phobia. I can barely leave the house. My ability to work is dwindling and my relationships are suffering. I wont live this way. In the words of my dearest friend I'm not fucking around anymore. This shit has got to stop.

I've identified a strong cycle in my anxiety. Allow me to share it with you;

My phobias are 1. getting sick and 2. having a public panic attack. When I panic, I begin to feel sick i.e. weakness, trembling, nausea, dizziness. These sick feelings make me think that I am actually sick. Then I begin to panic. Then I feel more sick. An so on. If I'm home this episodes are fairly brief. If' I'm out this can escalate to the point where I'm in the fetal position in the corner of a parking garage unable to finish a sentence (that actually happened. two weeks ago.) The tipping point can either be a thought "What if I get sick." "Whats the date on this can of beans again?" or a feeling of physical uneasiness.

Feelings of physical uneasiness happen for all those reasons I listed way back at the beginning of this blog; weakness due to anemia or low blood pressure or just weakness that comes from not eating enough. Most of the time it starts with that, then spirals from there.

(This is all compounded by the fact that I was super sick for almost a week. For four full days I didn't eat, setting myself back on the track for disordered patterns of eating and phobia related to food and sickness. )


So the only conclusion I can see is that I need to care for myself a little bit better. Love on myself a little more. It wasn't that long ago that I made a commitment to do all of this, then quickly and stubbornly changed my mind. I'm not going to beat myself up about that. Reset button and go.

Commitment to health REINSTATED.

The rules are simpler this time.

1. Eat enough. Three meals. Make sure I have snacks.

2. Seriously keep processed foods to a minimum. I wont deny myself anything but I also need to listen to what my body needs. Focus on living vibrant foods. I'm also contemplating vegetarianism.

3. Yoga. Every day, though the length of practice will vary day to day depending on where I'm at and what I need.

4. Breathing and meditation. Same as above.

Tada that's it.

Baby steps.

I tried to start a schedule for myself full of the positive things that make me feel better and whole and safe. 

As soon as, all my “progress" stopped. Its like any rules or regimen, even self decided upon, makes my disorders flair up. Terrible twos? Terrible Twenties. Tantrums galore. 

So I suppose there’s no harm or shame in starting over. Starting smaller? If I start smaller am I letting the disorder win? Does my resistance prove that what I’m attempting to do is important? Or is this just another way to be unkind to myself?

-the woman across the street is perched on her narrow balcony, shaking out a fluffy baby pink down comforter. It matches the pink molding around her sliding glass door, and clashes painfully with the burnt red tile roof.-

I took for granted how difficult it would be to take care of myself and get to work on time. A basic function of adulthood that I fail at regularly. Its difficult to explain the clutter in my brain that should look like a neat To Do list with cute little boxes to check off, but really looks more like a dirty living room where someone forgot to throw away the trash. (my truth is showing did you catch that there? trash in the living room? clutter in my brain?) The list of things I must remember grows and grows and I get quickly overwhelmed by basic things like 1. Eat breakfast 2. Get to work 3. Shower 4. LaundryOH MY GOD ITS TOO MUCH. 

Perhaps on  the days that I work I should be one thing and do that one thing, and when I succeed at that one thing then I will know how capable I am and can, with satisfaction, move on to the second thing. That one thing will be eating*. On my days off I will pick two things. Those two things will be eating* and yoga. Maybe I should stagger the days, so every other day I shower, every other day I wash my work rags. 

-its just past noon and the neighborhood is full of fire works in broad day light. A loud pop and a sharp whistle, followed by a powdery crackle. A long ways away there is a parade and I imagine there is loud cheering and smiling faces, drums and people dancing on stilts. But all I hear is the base of passing cars and the pop-hiss, and a vacuum cleaning up stairs-

The only analogy I have is Emptying My Plate, Arranging Everything In More Manageable Bites. Funny, that is the only way I can describe life to myself; eating habits. Emptying a plate. Bites of a size to justify consumption. 

That's fine. I'll start as small as I need to. Because even a baby step forward is still a step forward.**

*eating = three meals a day plus two snacks. Still including the goal of making this foods productive foods. 
**What About Bob reference. Nice.