on Black Moon Lilith and the Dark Goddess, Western Hemlock, our ultimate transformation

 Tsuga heterophylla : Western Hemlock

(Not related to the poisonous hemlock which is a flowering plant of the wetlands, and is incidentally an invasive non-native here in the PNW). This is a tall conifer prefers lowish elevations and coastalish ranges. Hemlock likes the places in the forest which are coldest and dampest, seeming to thrive where its darkest. As with all plants, where it lives can indicate what it will help us with; Tsugas (like many conifers) are warming and are therefore indicated for wet/damp, cold conditions, like congestion, various pain (specifically suited to the ligaments) and the kidneys.

But that's not really why I wanted to talk about this tree. I wanted to talk about this tree because today Black Moon Lilith squared both the North and South Node, effectively throwing the doors to our past and future wide open, offering us a cosmic grand choice; do we choose regression into the comfortable past, or evolution into our next phase? The trouble is, both options are equally open to us. It is just as easy to slip into old patterns as it is to build new habits. This is a slippery slope, but its also an encouragement; we all know how easy it is to go back to our "old ways", so we should take heart, and take that next step into the new manifestation of ourselves.
But what is that new manifestation?

The South Node is in Pisces now, while the North Node is in Virgo; these are our collective clues for our collective evolutionary process. As a society, we are experiencing crisis, and we don't have to look far to find evidence of this. The catastrophic election of Donald Trump and the horrific human rights violations at Standing Rock are just two examples. Intoxicated by our consumerism, reality shows, daily stress, as well as intoxication by actual substances, we are blinded to the suffering of ourselves as well as others around us, just as an alcoholic cannot effectively care for themselves or their loved ones. These elements of delusion, intoxication, and addiction are Pisces shadow qualities, and it is these that we are being invited to leave behind.

Virgo as the North Node is our chance to "level up", to hone our self mastery and self awareness, to walk with eyes open and hearts humble, and to grow our love so that it nurtures not just other humans, but fish and birds, whales and trees, dirt and water as well.
Be sure to check out your own nodes by looking at your birth chart (try astro.com), because this also occurs on a very personal level as well, and so what this means for you in your personal life may be very different than what I've just described. For example, my natal North Node is in Pisces, and my South Node is in Virgo, which means this is flipped for me in my personal life. But how can this be, you ask? Picture this like an orchestra; we all need to play a song of wide love, justice, nurturing, and holding the self accountable. But each persona has their own individual piece to play. Mine is the Oboe, and it is a tune of private, deep, watery spiritual practice. My partner, North Node in Aries, is playing the Trumpet, and his song is one of standing firmly in his own needs and desires, speaking his truth, and being a little selfish and firey. We each need to play our individual parts for the grander song to work out. So look this stuff up! We need your best self!!

Back to today's sky; As I said, the doors to the past and future are both wide open. There is no lock, we don't need a key or a bobby pin, we don't even have to turn the knob. And who do we have to thank? Black Moon Lilith, that's who. The oft disparaged dark goddess saunters staunchly into our frame of view and tells us exactly how we can make this transformation possible; by using magic, intuition, and assertiveness.

And Hemlock. The spirit medicine of this tree is one which makes use of decay; often the young saplings are seen taking root on fallen nurse logs. These same saplings are able to thrive low light of the forest understory for years, growing slow, biding their time, and waiting for that instant a bright gape in the canopy is rendered. This is when they put all those slowly stored resources to use, and bolt up towards the light.

We are now living in dark times, and they threaten to grow darker yet. For many of us, the oppressed, the ignored, the manipulated, these dark times are not of our direct doing. The light is clouded bwyond our control. But this time is not in vain; in the darkness, we lie in wait, gathering, swarming. Like the unassuming Hemlock, we know how to nourish new life from ruin and destruction, and this is our best secret. We will make good nutritious use of the decay from the systems which W I L L fall. And when they fall, when that shock of light hits our eyes, we will be ready, and R I S E.




[photo of Lilith obtained from astro.com, though I'm pretty sure its public domain. Also, check out those chicken feet!! hello, Baba Yaga anyone?]

On the Dark Moon in Sagittarius and Cutting Through the Bullshit

Monday was the Dark Moon (or New Moon) in Sagittarius, the fire sign characterized a truth seeking wandering. It is also my natal moon (which I just found out I share with Trump which is probably the worst news I've ever, ever heard and which I'm going to ignore forever).

A little bit about Moons and Fire Signs.

The moon in the natal chart describes our inner life and emotions, and as the unguarded self its the part of us that is most instinctual, coming out strongly when we're either very relaxed or suddenly find ourselves in a moment of defense. Sagittarius' are firey, fighting, questing, and leaving. They are described as a sign to whom trust in the universe comes easy, who find answers in spirituality and religious pursuits, and act on those firey flashes of instincts and inspiration without much planning or thinking. This makes it directly opposite in many characteristics to my Sun in Taurus which explains a LOT about me. Like, a LOT.

Explore Explore

My favorite way to check in with what the planets are doing is to do a card reading, so I pulled out my deck and followed along to the spread created by @escapingstars over on instagram

The "arm" of the arrow is cards

1. "What part of the past holds me back?" Page of Wands
2. "What doubts and lies distract me and need to be addressed?" The Moon
3. "How can I learn from the past without getting lost?" 3 of Wands

The "arrow" of the arrow is
(the top two)
4. "What message does the universe have for me at this chaotic time?" King of Wands
5. "How can I best shed my self-consciousness and express my truth fully?" The World
(the bottom two)
6. "What will benefit from these new beginnings?" 5 of Cups
7. "What intentions should I set?" knight of Wands

And the point of the arrow is
8. "How can I harness this new moon's energy?" Ace of Swords/The Emperor

(Sometimes when I read I elevate the Ace, which is when anytime you draw an Ace you place it at the top and in this way it "hovers over" the whole spread, lending its energy to everything. So I elevated this Ace and drew The Emperor to take its place, but for some reason the Ace here just felt right, so they share that spot.)

The Wand suit is associated with the element of Fire, just like Sagittarius is a Fire sign, and here half the cards I've drawn are fire cards. Even the Emperor is a Fire card. I've even got the Moon card here. Basically, the cards showed UP for this reading.

Breaking it down(Disclaimer; I don't know who, if anyone, reads this. And this makes it very easy for me to turn it into a public journal of sorts. This is going to be kind of personal, trying to not be too personal, but anyways. Idk. It might be rambly)

1. "What holds me back?" Page of Wands.
The Court cards are sometimes used to symbolize people in our lives, and which court card it is will give you hints as to WHO it is, and Pages are typically someone younger. I often struggle when reading court cards. But here, I knew exactly who this was. A person in my life. Younger. And this is where we start attempting to vaguely discuss family strife without giving away any identifying details.

Why is it that we struggle so much when we are loving? Why is it that our family, our first community, the people we will know the longest, are the ones who wont return our calls?

There is one relationship in particular which has been keeping me up nights. I mean that really, I wake up three times a night thinking about it, and it keeps me awake, following each imagined thread of what their reasons could possibly be. I replay the times I asked for forgiveness, and I count up all the ways I know this forgiveness has not be given. Then I turn over my own pain in my head, the pain I was in when I caused this person hurt, and the pain I feel over their actions. I think about what its like to be held responsible for something I did ten years ago. And I'm exhausted. And its time to sort it out, and let it go.

2. "What doubts and lies distract me and need to be addressed?" The Moon.
The Moon is an anxiety card. It has positive meanings too, sure, but even those are brooding. It often is a card that shows up for me when I need to do some shadow work, when I've forgotten to keep my demons close and they've slipped out of sight. It is almost always a card of division, and here is the lie.
The lie is that we are separate. We are not.
These lies of separation withing my family, within myself, within my community and my world, even though they are lies, lead me to behave as if we were separate, behaving as if I was cut off from my self, my shadow, my family. So I guard myself. And I have imaginary arguments. And I weep as if my heart were broken, as if I'd lost everything. Because in a way, I have.
It is time to draw near, and to bind tight. It is time to stitch together and make a whole.

3. "How can I learn from the past without getting lost there?" 3 of Wands.
Her is a leaving card. The Sagittarius out, to quest and discover the truth. This is the journey. It is bright and well lit, skies are clear. The traveler stands tall, firmly grasping the staff. Instantly what came to my mind was a quote from a Dharma Talk I recently listened to given by Sallie Jiko Tisdale at the Dharma Rain Zen center here in Portland titled "Do Otherwise." This Dharma Talk was about the Buddhist confession ceremony, and how a Buddhist confesses, what to do when we stumble and hurt someone. The quote I thought of was this

"This is simply autobiography. I am here. I am this. I confess knowing I and only I have done this. And I confess knowing there is no I at all. It is said that confession is a non-dual act. It doesn't require another person. You don't confess TO another person. We just confess. But it doesn't require YOU either. It is life confessing to life. Emptiness confessing to emptiness. You know the phrase Buddha recognizes Buddha? Buddha confesses to Buddha. And repentance isn't to solve your problems. It is done for ALL beings. And in order to do it completely for all beings you have to completely do it for yourself. It requires acceptance and love for yourself, not leaving yourself out. And then we say "I now confess everything whole heartedly." We repent without asking for forgiveness. When you ask for forgiveness you give the power and the responsibility to somebody else. Buddhist repentance requires us to take completely responsibility for ourselves, not just for what happened, but for what's about to happen. So if you're waiting on someone else to forgive you so that you can feel better, you're not taking responsibility. Just stand up."
Just stand up. Stand in the truth. Yes I did that thing. I did it because I was hurting. No that's not an excuse. That page doesn't know my pain. That page may never acknowledge my pain. I take full responsibility for my confession and my forgiveness. I stand up.

4. "What message does the Universe hold at this chaotic time?" King of Wands.

Stay focused. Keep the fuse lit, stoke the fire. As The Mister so perfectly put it; Rise above the chaos.
The Wand suit has a very special element to it; the lizard. Lizards, much like snakes, live their lives with their bellies on the ground (or very near it, at least). In this manner they are creatures of connection to the earth, staying grounded, staying plugged into nature. The "lizard brain" is a term used to refer to the oldest part of the brain, the brain stem, the place responsible for all the primal instincts. This is the seat of emotion, addiction, and so forth. This is that shadow self I was saying I'm disconnected from. This is the wolf howling next to the domestic dog in the Moon card. This is the wild side. Keep it near and bind it tight. Stitch it together to make a whole. The King has his lizard close. So ought I to stay centered, grounded, tapped into that first part of me.

5. "How can I best shed my self-consciousness and express my truths fully?" The World.
The Mister had input for this one as well, saying "You're already in victory. Keep it up." I'll take it.

6. "What will benefit from these beginnings?" 5 of Cups.
One of the more dismal looking cards in the deck, it isn't a doomsayer, rather its a wake up call regarding our perspectives, our grief process. What good will come of this? By letting go, by taking responsibility for before, now, and later, I will experience a new perspective, fresh and positive. I'm ready.

7. "What intentions should I set for this cycle?" Knight of Wands.
It's the final stretch of school, the nights are long and the dreariness of the 5 of Cups bogs me down. Yesterday I told The Mister my brain feels like mud. Well now more than ever is time to manifest energy and motion. Time to kick it up to a rolling boil!

8. "How can I best harness this new moon energy?" The Ace of Swords/The Emperor.
I have a tumultuous relationship with the Emperor, but after all this fire and motion the Taurus in me was happy to see a staunch (s t a u n c h) card like this. It makes sense to me.

There's a story I read in a Thich Nhat Hanh book called "The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching" thought I think this story is pretty universal. A man on a galloping horse came charging into town. The towns people shouted "Hey! Where are you going?" The man, already past, shouted behind him "I don't know! Ask the horse!"

The energy of all those wands in such a wandering sign has the potential to be very much like that story. The best way to harness this energy is to keep both hands on the reigns, keep both eyes on the road, and have my GPS set to audio alerts so I have an idea of whats coming and what I need to do about it. The Emperor is dense, like rocks, and in control.

What does this look like in practicality? Making lists. Get a schedule going, start a few routines. And wake up that sleeping militant inside me. I've kept her sedated because I fear her. But now I see I need her. Its time we learn to work together, because is the only one who can help me stay on course, keep this schedule and routine.

The Ace or Swords is a tool that cuts right through bull shit. There can be no lies nearby. Now is not the time for mincing words, or for sparing feelings. (this doesn't mean being careless and hurtful; there is a palm of peace hanging from that crown after all.) This card says my job is not to coddle right now. My job is to stay firmly and un-apologetically plugged into the core truth at all times.

Hello, who ever you are, who is reading this. May you, too, remain plugged into the core truth of you. Of us. May you, too, have the confidence of The World to take responsibility, to love yourself fully, to accept yourself fully, and to just stand up. And as always, thank you, whoever you are, for reading.

-A.H.

On baggage and setting the table.

Yesterday's prompt for Augusts Tarot challenge is "How can I embrace my body and my sexuality?"


Look at all that baggage! So much conflict and strife within one reading, and its totally accurate. On one side of the reading there is celebration and plenty, adoration almost; on the other side there is chosen poverty, loss, and disappointment. Do you want to talk about life after/with an eating disorder, because this is what it looks like; success and sometimes feel like failures, and failures like a success. Define and apply those terms any way, every way, yes.

I left this reading and came back to it several times, I filled many journal pages, I prayed about it, I napped about it, and I still feel everything. But I'm not going to take you on that ring around. I'm going to cut right through and get to the nugget of truth on the inside of the bullshit. Join me.

We need to hash out this conflict, first and forever. Grey skies and clear, wealth and poverty, joy and sullenness. You know what we've got to do with dichotomies don't you? We narrow that gap.

How? Start with Accepting. Accept that my body will disappoint me. It will get sick and age. It will be soft where I wish it wasn't. It will be stiff when I want it to flow. Accept that the creases under my eyes appear to be here to stay. Accept my tummy, my arms. Accept that this is my subconscious's attempt to communicate with me, using the physical body as a metaphor because its still uncomfortable with its unpracticed language of healing. It is not about creases or jiggles. It is about perceived worth and survival, with a little bit of creepy religious penance thrown in for good measure. Accept what is, and what is not.

But above and beyond and through all, accept that recovery is a cycle. It is not linear. And it may go round and round like this for the rest of my life. So ease in and get comfy with it. Get to know it so that the next time it comes around I can be ready with an extra place setting at the table.

The medicinal qualities of Cattails are off the chart, making it a remarkable first aid herb. The pollen has hemostatic actions when place in a cut, and blood moving properties when taken internally. The sticky gum at the base of the leaves is antiseptic and even numbing. Cattail says I need to triage. SOS, STAT. Time to clean the wound and stop the bleeding. Goldenrod has the same medical potency, though it's healing action is for the long term. (this is an echo of Jera, the middle Rune of the central three, who says that living in the present and doing the work in the present lays a strong foundation for the future, and not to forget that this is WHY you're doing todays good work). The Latin name is Solidago, from the word Soldare, meaning "to make whole". To. make. whole! Are you kidding me?? That's amazing. Goldenrod has been stalking me the last few weeks since I watched a bumble bee visit each flower while listening to Thich Nhat Hanh talk about second body practice, and it's time to take its message to heart.

Each Rune says in turn to accept life and fate and that some things are just the way they are, and then they each say "But don't forget to do your magic, do your work, you're responsible for your own manifestations."

The first, Elhaz/Algiz is about courage in the face of fear, and this is key, because you have to know if you need to flee, fight, or if you just need to chill and breathe. It is a powerful teaching force should one choose to open that chapter, and can connect you with the Divine in the world around you and yourself, if you're into that sort of thing. 

The third Rune, Nyd, is about Need, and our complicated relationships with our own. It is resistance, struggle, effort. It is trying to start a fire with two sticks on a cold day when it starts to rain. Its kind of dismal. It looks a lot like that failure card; all the effort, all the dreams. But all is not lost. Don't forget that without resistance form would fall about, and that's science my friend. This is not bad, rather it is a force that, when understood, can actually function as a means to protect and meet these needs. But the first step is to accept the process. Sometimes its raining, and all you have is two sticks to start the fire; don't fight it just get to it.

Jera, the central Rune, patient and steady. The Taurus Rune (if you as me, that's not actually what it is). Harvest from right action; you did good work, and you will reap the rewards, but in a real mundane and ordinary way. Like you planted a seed and now you have a fruit. But don't mistake the amazingness of this. Just like first you triage, then you work on a long term plan towards healing, first you plant the seed, then you harvest food for the winter. This is nothing short of a miracle. This Rune too is about cycles and seasons, but not in a time sort of way; this is the inhale and exhale, this is the heartbeat, the biorhythms, dawn and dusk, menstruation, gestation, sleep, awake. The force of Jera is slow and unstoppable. It is not sudden, you cannot force it. It is best to make small changes that can be sustained daily. Practice the language of healing and recovery. Practice the patterns of self care and acceptance. Work your magic every day. And breathe. And breathe.

-A.H.

When the Activist of the Sky meets the Ultimate Lover...

Today Eris in Aries semisextiles Venus in Taurus, and I want to talk about this.

The Eris of mythology was a warrior princess of epic skill and ferocity, and if you try to research her astrological activity you'll find her described as the goddess of chaos and discord.


But I don't think so. I think of her as the Activist of the Sky. This is someone who defends the people who don't have the resources to defend themselves; children and mothers specifically (this is just my hunch) but also for sure includes the whole family unit as well. This activism often involves overturning the current regime. And yes, that often looks like chaos.

When Eris meets Venus we often get warnings of "hey watch out for fights with your significant other right now!" But I think that's just a little bit missing the point (and also this only applies to you if your relationship isn't meeting your needs. The stars can't make problems that weren't there to begin with).


When planets meet up and do things together in the sky I like to think of it as them holding council. When Eris and Venus hold that council in the sky its a huge opportunity to make big shifts in the way we move through our communities (of self, of family, work place, neighborhood, world, cosmos) and to look at issues around justice from the fresh standpoint of Love.

So what are they saying today? Heavy stuff, that's for sure.

The four cards at the top are their signifiers; Judgement + 10oCups for Eris (I'm so captivated by the similarities between the cards! And look, families!) And the 10oSwords + QoPentacles for Venus (this was rough to see.) The fact that they both have 10's is significant; this is a final and first hour of something. This is go time; Time to level up.


BUT leveling up, and pushing past and on to the next phase can be really hard. Here we see the Queen in mourning over the loss and pain in the 10oSwords. When I saw those cards together all I could think of was our Earth, in pain and betrayed. The Queen, Sensual earthy goddess, watches in and almost helpless sadness. I feel this despair. We hear statistics saying that we're past the tipping point of climate change; its easy to loose hope in the face of that, easy to go on living our doomed lives as we've always lived them because whats the point.

BUT things can be done, even still, to lessen the effects of climate change and shorten our planets recovery time. All we have to do is act. And that's what Eris is all about; sounding that alarm, waking us up with a decisive call to direct action.

The three cards at the bottom are their message. They're saying that we need a complete overhaul of our governing systems. "Overthrow" I whispered when I saw them. "Overthrow". But what are the systems that govern our lives? Yeah, the government, but also the economy and the media, and it all boils down to this; capitalism. It is capitalism that truly rules our life. It is our governing body, it is the fuel of our decision making, and it is the whisper in our ear that keeps us afraid and fighting. It is the excuse that allows us to pollute the countries of the poor and call it a green initiative. Its the blindfold that lets us say we're the greatest nation in the world while we are actually the sickest; sick with dis-ease, with mass incarceration, crippling poverty, shocking childhood hunger, and the highest levels of debt.


In the face of something so huge, what does our action entail? What does this "overthrow" even look like?

Start asking yourself why. Why do I think this way? Why do I want that thing? Who told me to be afraid of this person? In this way we begin to un-knit the capitalist white supremacist patriarchal web that has a hold on us. This is the first step, and once we take that first step, they* are over thrown. The process, once begun, is completed.

The second thing that struck me about these cards was their number and gender similarity to the election. (Am I reaching? Maybe, but we're talking about Tarot here so I think I'm well within an acceptable realm here.) And I became instantly concerned. Because who is the upright Emperor??? Whoooo???? I pulled a lot of cards and none would tell me. The Mister and I talked out the presence of the Emperor till we could be sure he was who we wanted him to be; at first I thought war mongering mars=war mongering Trump. But THEN I thought Emperor with his marching boots on=project starting Mars=get to work Mars=firey Mars that can Berrrn (see what I did there?) and I'm totally willing to entertain this idea.


However, and probably more importantly, I also see that we ought to adopt the attitude of the Emperor. We must be steadfast, secure, confident, ready with our marching boots on.

Seeking more clarity, I asked "To what end?" And I pulled Victory and Balance. These efforts ensure our Victory over injustice, and the creation of balanced and fair world. Then I asked "But how?" and turned over The Sun and Love. How do we work this work? How do we fight injustice and change our world for the better? We do it with Love. This love that allows us to behold the face of God, that banishes fear and brings paradise, Love that is just, Love that serves. If faith the size of a tiny mustard seed can move a mountain, and Love is greater than faith, then think of how much we can do if we do it in Love.

Burst, bloom. Happy New Year.

It is the last day of the year. And what a year, she said with a sigh, before taking a grateful gulp of whatever was in the cup (it was coffee). This year has been full of love, the kind that saves, and the kind of pain that saves, too. And sorrow, and joy, and the rug as it flies out from under you and suddenly you're floating. This year has been open, open, openness. Raw and riotous, like a wound, like a bud warmed by the sun; burst, bloom. Have you ever watched a flower bloom? Time lapse photography is a gift. It's slow going at first, the bravest petals unfurl like toes testing the waters. Then suddenly a symphony crescendo, a sudden sighburst, bloom, and it's opened to the light, the bees, the shock of cold air on pink petals. Feeling, for the first time, it's own glorious weight. That's what this year has been like. Open, like a sigh.

I am still learning all of last year's lessons, and diuble. I said I wanted to let sorrow dig a well in my chest where I could find deep and nourishing streams. Instead, time bought me callouses and cement. I am still learning to be soft. I am still learning to be mindfull. I am still learning to let loving kindness be my first reaction. I should tattoo that on my knee for when it jerks.

For Christmas The Mister brought me home a sweet bouquet of white flowers, sprigs of juniper, and two mystery buds. Time has passed and the sneaky buds have begun to bloom; pink carnations. Shock of color. Riotous sigh.

A year in retrospect seems like the right thing to do right now. With my ever faithful helper cat close at hand, I wanted to share it with you, because I have a lot to say about it.

A week or so ago, when asking about clarity and my lack of it, I pulled the 8 of swords upright-what was blocking my clarity? Me. And it was true. And it felt heavy, like a weight you've been carrying for so long and then someone says "wow that must be heavy ".

But today she's reversed, like a cup whose contents have been spilt, allowed to return to the earth. That energy is gone, that weight set down by the road side. Release. Burst, bloom. Walk away.

Fast forward to the Home card in a position I dubbed "what to let go". Why do I have to let go of cozy comfy feelings she whined and cast here eyes out the window. Okay, take another look. This is not, per se, about a home with a mailbox. That's a house. This is about letting go of the notion that home is anyplace outside of yourself. Home is not an address, or a familiar block (as a Taurus that's hard to say), and as nice as that line "home is wherever I'm with you" is, that's not home either. Home is in your breath, the cathedral of your ribs, the glory of your cells as they flash into being and then die, like stars. This new truth will keep you safe.

The three of cups landed in the "darkness" spot. Yes, I've neglected my craft. But that's okay. It was a hard year and I couldn't find up.

How to combine the light and the dark? Ace of swords. Grasp that which wounded you. Embrace your suffering. The truth will set you free; speak yours.

What to take with me? Wisdom. These experiences want to make me wiser. Those lessons want to be learned. Compile them where they can be easily accessed for future needs. They can be written in a book, and they are. But I like the idea the Monarch butterflies had; store your wisdom in your dna, let it live in your cells like a map to guide you long after mountains crumble. Tattoo them on your knee, so when it jerks, you have a wise response.

To what end? Healing. Simple. How beautiful. Burst, bloom. Riotous sigh.

(Before I go, look at all those birds. A Raven, a Swallow, a sparrow or some other LBJ. Here I sit now, at my window, watching crows and gulls swoop and dive in the blue, clean-slate sky. What of their daily struggle, when they let go and glide, and are this effortless on the winds? Riotous sigh.)

If you're there, thank you for reading. I hope your new year is full of love, and peace, and deep breaths.
-A.H.

Dark Moon in Scorpio 11*11

Today is the New Moon (Dark Moon, for those of us) in Scorpio, trining with Chiron, sextile Jupiter. Chiron is the healer asteroid who teaches us how to navigate our past as we move ever forward into our future. Jupiter is the great expander, calling us to grow in as we grow out. And Scorpio, oh Scorpio, her medicine is destruction and creation. Magnificent and terrible, her heat reduces us to our elemental forms, and we emerge as something entirely new. Or as new as we want. If you've been looking for a change, now is your hour.

Or maybe your heart is hurting. Maybe your summer wasn't as kind as it should have been. This New Moon, with her deep, deep Scorpionic and Plutonian waters, with her overarching, expansive sky, can heal that ache.

How? Mercury is sitting close and snuggly with the New Moon, offering us his microscope, that we may see with sharp clarity the elements of our lives. What helps us, what hinders us; our thought patterns, love habits, how we care for our bodies. And Chiron offers a remedy.

But that all sounds very esoteric. How, you may be asking again. How do we access this remedy? How do we spot it in the first place?

Well first off, let's talk about Chiron a bit more. As I've said, Chiron is the healer, and also the teacher of the cosmos (and the Greek pantheon, he's an interesting Google search). He originated in the Kuiper Belt, near Pluto, an area full of debris thought to be left over from the big bang. Pluto is ruler of the underworld; Chiron is the trigger of our deepest, most primal wounds. Chiron is the trigger that brings this wound to the surface, so it can heal.

So one way to facilitate this healing is to check out your birth chart to see where Chiron was when you were born (try Astro.com, and pay special attention to what house it's in, as well as what sign). This will tell you where your wound is located, and offer a remedy. For example, my Chiron is in Gemini, who is already ruled by Mercury. This means that my wound is located in communication; I struggle with feeling uneducated, I find it hard to believe in my own ideas, and I often feel unheard. And my prescribed remedy is about learning to speak and stand up for my truth, and to fully let go of what others think.

Another way is just simply to plug in. Again, how? Meditate. Have you ever imagined that swirling around your spine was a warm, glowing Kundalini serpent? Do that now. Just try it. Sit back and feel the warm glow, spiraling wider as it works it's way down. Now feel it unwind and dip into the earth. (If you, like me, live 8 floors above the earth, this will take a little longer. Watch that root reach down past each floor, twisting along the steel frame, and then finally bursting through the concrete. Don't worry. Roots were meant for this). Feel it pass through earthen layers till it suddenly plunges into a deep and secret pool. Linger here. Drink the water and let it nourish you. Dwell on the transformative power of water, how it whittles away all that would hinder it. Now think of what hinders you. Send water rushing over it, till it is swept away.

(Or, if snakes are scary for you, you can also think of a crab stepping out of its shell. That's what I mean by growing in while we grow out. We grow out of an old self and into a new one.)

As you do this work, answers will float to the surface. This is a time of intuition. You'll know it when you know it, and then it's your responsibility to apply these answers. Its up to you to call on these cosmic energies. Change doesn't just happen. You must do the work. And as you do the work, you can know that you are infinitely, cosmically supported.

What does this have to do with knitting? Destruction, creation. What don't you want? What doesn't quite fit? Take it out and examine it closely, find the snag, seek out thee missing, or the extra. Undo. Redo.

How is this New Moon treating you? What do you see when you look through Mercury's microscope?

Thank you for reading.
-AH

November, your voice is a flute.

Its a new month. Its the best month.

Its odd that for me, a spring baby, the deep autumn-that-is-almost-winter is the most important time of year for me. Its full of unique energies, and I make good use of them. Its a time for getting down to brass tacks and into the heart of the matter. This is the shedding time in the cycle of regeneration and rebirth. Just like snakes shed their old skin and crabs crawl out of shells that no longer suit them, the trees shake loose their leaves and flowers trim themselves back to the root bulb. There is often talk of dormancy, but I don't think its dormancy that dominates this time of year. It is waiting yes, but a useful, productive waiting. There is ruminating, germinating, rehabilitating, and rest. This is when the roots and branches and birds really get to spend their time thinking. I imagine them holed up with good books and warm lamps glowing, keeping out the cold and finally free of the burden of making and raising young.

(Not to mention that now is the time of year that the crows move to my block. Hoards of them come in with the sunset and crowd together on roof tops and in the bare trees, silent and still as stones, standing watch. And the leaves on the hill have begun to smolder, and this is what I watch when I write to you, or when I do my homework.)

I've begun a new tarot challenge. Having hopped on board a few days late I'm playing catch up, and so today I'm doing the spread for the 3rd of November, who's prompt was simply "Shadow".

Sometimes I jump unceremoniously into readings. But there are some questions, and some journeys, which we know will go deeper and into darker places, and these require a bit more preparation. Descending down, gingerly over rocks and under earthly ceilings into the still air of musty roots, you will need smoke, you will need fire, and you will need mindful breath.

Lighting my candle, I bathed in lavender smoke for a few moments before I fanned out my cards. This prompt comes at an opportune time. My shadow self has been particularly active of late (I've written a bit about it already) and its been a real effort to keep myself afloat. The best response to a looming Shadow is to walk right up to it and ask "What do you need?"

But this is careful work. My Shadow Self comes in the shape of a small girl child, my inner child, shut away in the past by PTSD, phobias, eating disorders, and loneliness. So it doesn't do to go charging into the dark corners and demanding answers or obedience. I don't think Shadow Selves of any age or sort respond to that approach, but I could be wrong. A more tender approach, slower and deliberate, is required. Here's that smoke, here's that breath. So I fan out my cards and place my hand over my heart. And I inhale. And I exhale. And I ask, sweet and soft as Lavender smoke, "What do you need?"

The Sun, 2 of Wands, and the runes Nauthiz and Wunjo.

What does my Shadow self need? Attention, apparently.

This is an almost endearing response. Or it would be, if Shadows weren't known for fucking your shit up. While I talk often of this topic and use words like tenderness, mindfulness and understanding, its important that we understand the power involved here. I think of my eating disorder and my shadow self and my inner child as all the same thing. Merging them helps me manage them and maintain a sort of adult "inchargeness" over my compulsions. But even as an incharge adult, I have to admit I'm frightened by this girl child, however "merely conceptual" she is. There's a reason why scary child ghosts are put in horror movies for adults; they're deceptively small, but having lived for an untold number of decades, they're stronger and meaner than you'd think. A combination difficult to overcome. If you want a picture of what this interaction looks like when it goes wrong, picture Elastic Heart. A very small, very scary person who pops up and wrecks havoc.

Another very scary thing pops up and wrecks havoc is an eating disorder. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of all mental illness. I once compared it to Gollum and the One Ring; its the thing that you love which kills you, and it cares not; it wants your life, and it will undo your connection to reality as well as your very humanity to get it.

When looking at The Sun in light of all this, it could be interpreted as an almost comical or maybe even a deceptive response. But I don't think so. When we follow this disorder to its deepest root, what we find more often than not is a child, wounded.

This is an image before the Sun was blotted out; her first and truest nature. Free, innocent, greeting the world with a gleeful warmth. She's bursting forth in rays of light and flowers in their fullest bloom while the 2 of Wands looks on.

So what does my Shadow self need? Attention. But lets pause, that needs some more thought; there's good attention, and bad attention, and children who aren't shown good attention will seek both without distinction. So how I can I give what is needed in a healthy, productive way?

I pulled Nauthiz from the pile of runes waiting in my lap. It is an image of two sticks rubbing together to make a fire. This rune has a lot to say about struggle, resistance, and constraint. It talks of hard effort and the force of growth. What it also says to me is "patience" and "understanding". In an tired voice its telling the tale of how the Shadow got here, and reminding me to be kind.

I then pulled Wunjo; Joy. A rune that has been showing up often for me, and a most welcome sight. Wunjo is Joy, Harmony, correct application of will, contentment, hope, family, bonding, trust. "It wards off woe and sorrow so that abundant gifts of the multiverse have no trouble bestowing themselves on you." "In Wunjo we find harmonious energies characteristic in functioning families." "Wunjo reduces alienation by broadcasting love into the human energy field."

This is what I can give her. As an adult I have access to all these things, because as an adult I can correctly apply my will and make these beautiful elements part of my reality. It is this that is being handed to that small baby on horseback.

This idea of multi-generational, multi-dimensional healing isn't a new concept. Its one that's been hard at work in Buddhist psychology for ages. Thich Nhat Hanh writes about it, saying "If we take one mindful step, we take it for our ancestors who have come before us, and those who will come after us. If we take one mindful breath, then they breathe with us." Another particularly pertinent passage comes from his book Touching Peace;

"When we touch our pain with mindfulness, we will begin to transform it. When a baby is crying in the livingroom, his mother goes in right away to hold the baby in her arms. Because mother is made of love and tenderness, when she does that, love and tenderness cover the baby and, in only a few minutes, the baby will probably stop crying. Mindfulness is the mother who cares for our pain every time it begins to cry. ... When pain is in the basement, you can enjoy many refreshing and healing elements of life by producing mindfulness. Then when the pain wants to come upstairs, you can turn off your walkman, close your book, open the livingroom door, and invite your pain to come up. You can smile to it and embrace it with mindfulness, which has become strong. If fear, for example, wishes to come up, don't ignore it. Greet it warmly with your mindfulness. "Fear, my old friend, I recognize you." If you are afraid of your fear, it may overwhelm you. But if you invite it up calmly and smile at it in mindfulness, it will loose some of its strength. After you have practiced watering the seeds of mindfulness for a few weeks, you will be strong enough to invite your fear to come up anytime, and you will be able to embrace it with your mindfulness. It may not be entirely pleasant, but with your mindfulness you are safe."-Thich Nhat Hanh, Touching Peace.

I appreciate the fact that he says "probably stop crying". Any of us who have cared for babies, even if for just a short time, know that this isn't always the case. Sometimes it takes hours and some pretty inventive measures to get babies to quiet down. Mostly it takes an intuitive listening to what is needed. But with patience, and love, and understanding, it happens.

I also appreciate the cautions Thay shares, saying that only once we've strengthened our mindfulness through meditating daily on joyful things can we bravely and skillfully invite our pain and fear to sit with us and be transformed. Its a wise piece of counsel.

I go back to the cards and take a loot at them, because I always wonder what I can do in actuality. These are nice concepts and ideas, but what can I do in a physical, material way to facilitate this healing? Wands are the suit of creative energy, creative fire. Practically speaking, maybe its time to explore and express myself in a creative way, beyond the cerebral sphere of words. Perhaps its time to paint a picture, create some happy trees for my wall.

Here's to hoping you find the sun, even in your November shadow.
-A.H.

Harmless monster in the liminal light.

Opal Creek, raging.

Its been awhile since I spoke at any length about my eating disorder. I think, as silly as this may sound, I actually hoped I was "done" with it. So long had it been since I'd experienced a trigger of any size that I did kind of think, well, maybe..

But now, maybe not.

I guess that's what I'm here to talk about right now, the seasonal nature of things. Seasonal indeed because somehow this autumnal shift, my favorite time of year, has sent me reeling across my recovery. Maybe the darkness has seeped in too far, past my windows and into my skin, maybe its the cold or the desperate look of the bare trees by the river.Whatever its origin of source I feel it, the way someone standing too close brushes against your arms.

But I've learned what to do. And I understand why this shadow part of myself would rise up to be seen at this time of year, with its liminal nights and transparent curtain and heavy action in the 8th house we had on October 29th. Its fitting. I can now recognize this eating disorder, this shadowy, dark, and truly honestly dangerous part of myself as my inner child, tugging at my hem because she needs something that I've over looked. In this light, soft as bedsheets, this monster is not so dangerous. With compassion and gentleness, I ask, "What is it?" With compassion and gentleness I eat, and sleep, and coo that test scores aren't everything, and don't drink too much caffeine.

And so it goes. Soon it will pass and she, and I, will rest again. Tides turn, trees burst and bloom and rest again. Eating disorders are far reaching, touching each aspect of our lives, ready to morph into new triggers we never would have expected, like having to put your cat on a feeding schedule.

And so it goes. And I'm thankful for these seasons and cycles, in the trees and in my body. The stubborn, gorgeous insistence on survival, no matter what the odds.

-A.H.

Limbic memory and savory yums.

There are many ways we get in touch with our past. Some of us take up knitting (me) or genealogy, meticulously regraft our family trees. And some of us borrow cook books and feast our way through the pages.

A familiar scent can call up memories so deep they lie in our limbic system; the very definition of "muscle memory". These limbic memories are why you never forget how to ride a bike, or why you keep reaching for the coffee pot by the stove, even though you moved it to the counter weeks ago. Scent fits like a key in a lock, sweep right past our conscious mind down to the deepest recesses of our nostalgia.

And perhaps even further. How do Monarch butterflies remember a mountain that hasn't existed for millennia, when no one generation of them makes the complete trip? Its in their genes. You know the saying, that something is so second nature to someone that its "in their blood"? That deep-as-marrow instinct that tells those Monarchs to divert inexplicably round an invisible mountain is the same heart warming (or heart sinking) feeling you get when you smell Lilac's, salty air off the ocean, or the spices aisle at your favorite grocery store. Its no wonder that the favorite way many of us connect to our past is in the kitchen, in those little four by five cards covered in swoopy handwriting and gravy stains.

But what if you don't have Grandma's recipe book? You'll have to start somewhere else.

"A Mediterranean Feast" by Clifford A. Wright is a big, dignified book with a beautiful red and gold spine. The Mister recently borrowed it from a co-worker in exchange for fresh pasta once a week, and he's cooking his way through.

Part One begins with the tantalizing title "An Algebra of Mediterranean Gastronomy" and sweeps us through the history of Mediterranean food, beginning with the Cabbage and a recipe for Minestrone di Cavolo, a.k.a. cabbage soup. "Make this soup, and the lessons of this chapter will be well digested" says Wright, and its the truth. Cabbage soup is super healing, specifically when it comes to the digestive tract, knitting up that lining, clearing the way so that we can get in touch with our "gut".

This soup, while simple, is perfect. This is the soup you want on a cold rainy day. Its hearty, and it lasts. Eat this for dinner on a chilly night, have it for lunch the next day, and maybe even the day after that.

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy something delicious tonight. Treat yourself to some warm fuzzy nostalgia. Let those memories nourish you.

-A.H.

Batten down the hatches everyone. Its time for the Celtic Cross.

I don't often read the celtic cross just because its so huge. But honestly, after pages of notes and even with Death in the future position (not as yikes as it seems) I think I may have had a change of heart. It was so beautiful to watch the cards interact, very humbling to be a part of it, and sometimes staggering with how "right on" this reading was.

This was my first attempt at "elevating the Ace". The Ace of Swords was initially in the past position; when I elevated it, the Ace of Wands took its place. So I elevated that! The Ace of Wands was replaced by the Hermit. The Ace of Cups was in the advice position, and was replaced by the 5 of Pentacles. I really enjoyed having all this powerful, positive Ace energy hovering over the reading, touching ever other card.

There is a lot of love, creative energy, renewing water, and calls to action and boldness in this spread. If you want to listen to me ramble on about what i see, keep reading.

To start off with, we have the Seven of Pentacles underneath that Fool; This card has been showing up a lot, so I'm not surprised to see it here. This is telling me that right now, there is energy of abundance all around me. Projects are ready to flower and fruit. But while this abundant energy may be readily available, it requires diligence, and "girls just want to have fun" right? Wrong. really this girl is just running from her responsibilities because they're big and scary and she's a little afraid of the rejection one risks when we try (looking at that King there.)

All my energy and hopes are being poured into my relationship, in spite of the fact that in my subconscious I'm alone. There are a lot of opposites between these two cards; The Lovers are naked, the woman is very clothed. The Lovers are together and even share their space with a deity, the woman is alone. The Lovers are in a wide open space, the woman is hedged in. This is a very good depiction of what I want vs what I have/what I'm manifesting. This 9 of Pentacles opposite The Lovers carries with it a warning against selfishness, an insistence to get out of my own head.

The Lovers + the Ace of Cups is a wonderful Omen. The Ace of Swords cautions to not let our communication waver, and the Ace of Wands has all the fire and passion we could ever need.

There is a lot of aloneness here; The Hermit, The Fool, The 9 of Pentacles. I've spent many years feeling alienated, perhaps to the point where its become my default setting. The Ace of Cups + Death says it is this, this loneliness, that is coming to a close. In fact, its important that this chapter of loneliness ends so the next one can begin. But changing patterns this ingrained is hard. Expect a culture shock.

The 5 if Pentacles is dismal looking. Here is startling image not just of financial struggle, but loss of faith as well. So what advice does this card have? It is a cautionary tale, warning against becoming so bogged down in your misery that you miss the help that is right under your nose. This card + The Full Moon in Taurus that is happening RIGHT NOW is about choices. Asking for help, admitting mistakes, these things make us vulnerable, and vulnerability hurts our pride. Ask anyway. Your alienation is unnecessary. Times are tough right now, but keep the faith. Help is at hand.

I want to talk about that King in the Hope/Fear spot for a minute. I drew the King of Wands last night as my "who am I" for the tarot challenge I'm doing over on instagram. I have a weird relationship to court cards, and an even weird relationship to cis-men, so this was... I'll just say it, unwelcome. But tarot is here to make us look deeper. And let me tell you what I found.

The King of Wands sit on his deserty throne, dressed in lizards and lions. He wand is bursting into life (ehyo) and his gaze is steady and focused. Notice the flames on his crown compared to the flames on the tree of life in The Lovers; they're the saaame. This King is fire. Led by intuition, he boldly does things his own way. I have written in my notes (forgive me, I don't know where I'm quoting this from) "he has harvested the core impulse of the dawn of creation".

So what is there to be afraid of? Getting exactly what I want? Yes.The higher one climbs the farther one has to fall. Can I be brave enough to take the risk?  Will I succumb not only to the sheer height, but the egomania that comes from that level of success? What if no one likes what I have to offer? What if no one wants me (there's that hermit, that fool, that lady with her bird.)

A few days ago I drew the Poison Oak card from the Bach flower essence deck, and this is the mantra

"Masculine fire burns bright within me.
Sheltered in my strength, I invite vulnerability.
I am secure, so I can risk.
Power and love are united in my soul."

With this mantra in mind, I understand why the King of Wands is showing up for me like this.

The 6 of Swords can be unnerving. Its undeniable somber. But lets look deeper. The family is together; in fact they've grown. The water is smooth, the sky is clear, their journey will be a safe one. The shore ahead has trees, they've made a good choice. Maybe it looks somber because we aren't used to the quiet. If there is a caution here, its to release emotional baggage. Only keep what is necessary. How many swords do you actually need? Don't carry old grudges with you into your new life.

I want to talk more about the Aces.

Lets start with the Ace of Cups and The Lovers, and Death. "Perfect love casts out fear." As a matter of course, when we truly love someone, fear looses its footing and fades. So we can, with peace, let this chapter close. Let the loneliness fade; now its time to partake. Reach for the Divine body and know that it is already in you. Go down to the river to pray. Wade into the waters and emerge new and fearless.

The Ace of Swords lets me know that wisdom I discovered during The Hermit will be incorporated into my new life, becoming deeply personal truths that will serve to bolster and protect me.

The Ace of Wands. What a welcome sight. The Source Fire that the King had captured and laced into his crown is epitomized here with the Ace. This is source. This is the core impulse of the dawn of creations, and it is within me, and it has been at every moment, but it's creative fire energy is especially available to me now. All I need to is grasp it. The time is now to start something new. Act. Be bold. Be creative.

The Ace of Wands lets me know a big shift is coming (see Death, 6 of Swords) and though it be huge and tricky, it will work out in my favorite. The Wand is in my hand; the shift will happen on my terms, if I keep my wits about me.

The Ace of Wands+Ace of Swords= Stop worrying. You will be well received (haaay laurel wreath)
Ace of Wands +Ace of Cups=a lover will be integral in your creative ventures. Which is true; we're together in every card (that isn't strictly to do with me) even in the difficult times, we hobble along together.

My favorite piece about the Ace of Wands from the website Keen.com and it says this

"The Ace of Wands is not about creativity that is taught or learned from books, or approached as a hobby. This is boldly finding your own voice and insisting that the universe make a place for the manifestations of your visions. A moment of bold expansion is marked."

This is a rallying cry. In conclusion? Its time to stop puttering around and putting things off because I'm afraid. Its time to stop hiding. Its time to make a bold leap. Its time to make things happen. The best way to make things happen is to take a risk. Its time to trust myself, trust the universe, trust my partner, and go forth.

If you're reading this, thank you. I hope you're well. I hope you do something that makes you feel brave.
-A.H.

The Mountain

My first exposure to the concept of walking meditation was reading Thich Nhat Hanh's book Being Peace. The idea is that you don't have to sit lotus and watch a flame (but you can) and you don't have to chant om's (but you can) and you don't have to have a bell or a special cushion or an extra room. Anything we do can be a meditation, even dishes (though I have yet to master this one). Walking meditation is probably the easiest way to work mindfulness into your daily life. Simply by being present, by knowing this moment of our foot on this spot of earth, by taking a step and knowing that we are taking a step, that is the key to mindfulness. Its ridiculously simple and actually pretty difficult sometimes, especially when we're running late and out of sorts. For me, the work is worth it. The mantra "I have arrived" is never far from me (i wrote it under the clock in my car, stitched it to my sneekers) and helps me to remember that this moment (now) is my home.

But as I said, some times are harder than others.

In life we have joy, and we suffer. Sometimes the suffering can feel like a slow degrading, or a gradual tightening.Sometimes we can point to the suffering as it approaches like a sand storm on the horizon, we can use its hue to guess its source, we can turn the cups and bowls upside down. But then sometimes the suffering comes all at once, like an avalanche. Its always from the mountain we weren't watching, leaving a familiar landscape altered. Trees groan under new and sudden weight.

What follows the furry is the white white sea of sudden silence, and in this silence is the unexpected gift. We are left with two choices; We can let our brokenness make us bitter, or we can let our brokenness make us soft. The sadness can drown or it can dig a well. Wells are useful. Wells give life.

Didn't Rumi say to train our eyes upon the broken place, as this is where the light enters? A broken heart will usher in a sudden and complete summer. Even after the first frost there are butterflies and singing birds. There's iced tea. I've become preoccupied with things that become better once their broken; the precious shells of seeds and eggs. I'm mending now with gold and bright thread. Green bursts through the cracks, moats of sparkling dust swirl in the empty space.

Choosing this lightness over bitterness is dynamic. And most of the time I am swimming somewhere between the two shores, seeking one, but being pulled by the tide to the other. Each emotion passes through my heart, like the night and the day. Like waves on the shore. Its okay, I tell myself. Let them come, and go. Take each moment one at a time, carefully lest I drown or become crystallized, like the salt birds in Lake Natron.

When we began our climb up Dog Mountain, I was still in a mostly grateful place of answered prayer, in awe of miracles witnessed. But after about half a mile, after two days without sleep or much food, my gratefulness faded into a kind of Super Anger, the kind that could tear a house down. Even as my heart pounded I could feel it harden. Crystalline corners took shape at the edge of my arteries. I counted their spires while the Avalanche traversed the mountain with a carefree ease. My Super Anger turned to a Rampant Envy, which is worse. Anger can be a driving force, a vital fuel, but Envy is just poison.

So what could I do? I sat down and gave in. I verbally acknowledged that there was nothing I could do. There is an undeniable freedom in knowing "its not you", but there is also a helplessness; when you can change nothing to make things better, you can do nothing to make things better. Suddenly everything is in the hands of the Avalanche. Trees groan, their limbs snap and echo across the mountain. Sudden silence under the weight (the wait).

So now get up. Train your eye upon the broken place. Watch the new light drift in and transform the patch of earth. It was barren and dark. Now rain drifts in and sun, now seeds sprout, bees and butterflies visit. Now life. This is why they say to count it all joy I guess.

Avalanches melt. They say nice things sometimes and you realize that maybe some avalanches didn't mean to be avalanches, they meant to be a pleasant drift of snow, and things just got away from them. They tell you to take your time and let you walk ahead. You will laugh and make jokes about an old tree stump that is a forest palace, and the Fallen Log Apartment Complex where the Forest Queen's subjects live.

The Dog Mountain trail is not a long hike. Its a little over six miles total, but it is a swift climb up to 2800 elevation, and that's what gets you. Its difficult, and its very beautiful. The trail begins with oaks and passes into predominantly conifer forest with a few stubborn maples waiting for their turn in the sun. In the early spring the mountain is lit ablaze with wildflowers; by now, late summer, there were only a few late bloomers left. It was so green and quiet. It doesn't take long for one to hike above the sound of traffic below, into the wind in the pines that sounds so much like the ocean. I took slow steps, even paces, maintaining the same speed whether I was on flat ground or uphill. With each step I said to myself "here." "now." I kept my eye on the crack. I let the ache in my lungs be the sorrow that would dig its well. And I climbed.

Traditionally humans go to certain places on this planet for certain reasons. We go to the river to pray. We go to the ocean to heal. We go to the desert to petition. And we climb tall mountains to receive.

I wasn't looking for anything in particular. I was simply cracked open. Listening to the ocean in my heart, like a cockle shell.

The wind was strong that day. It picked up every time I said I was hot. It was always at my back, like a gift of cool encouragement. High above my head the whole forest swayed together in a generous dance, maple leaves fanned and caught the light. While we rested I pressed my cheek against an old Doug Fir, so tired I didn't even wonder about spiders. I let my feet grow roots which made friends with Doug and the mycelium. Elijah was fed by the ravens, I by forest spores and sunlight.

It was here in this sun-lit land-ocean of the swaying forest that the word "Conspire" came to me, and kept coming to me. Like a song stuck in my head, almost audible.

Conspire comes from the Latin word "conspirare" meaning "to breathe together". Sunlight and wind. Ancient water in deep wells. Co-conspirators. Everything conspires together for my greatest good. Take a wild leap and trust that.

The summit was truly beautiful, burnt a white golden in the latent summer sun, now setting broadly over the Coastal ranges. The wind swept over us powerfully and we had to plant our feet to avoid being knocked over. The Avalanche and the Tree met in an embrace on the side of the mountain and let the warm sun wash over them. Melting, the avalanche learned he could feel, and the tree was watered. We ate a dinner of tamales and coconut water and felt the good ache of hard effort. Tiredness, earned.

The descent was a race against the setting sun, but a loosing one, and by the mid point of the mountain my knees had reduced me to a hobble and I settled on the realization that Oh wow I'm not getting younger and I should probably be taking care of my body in a way that means I can use it well for the rest of my life and lets start with these knees.

What would meet me at the base of the mountain? More swimming between shores, carrying dueling realities in my heart. A heart full of heavy questions. But a heart also full of the light, and the wind, and the melting, and the ability to trust my co-conspirators always at my side. This is how we go on, how we reach the top and go back down again, one moment at a time. Here. Now.

This was a more thank worth while hike, and one that I plan to do again and again. Should you endevour to go, and you should, assess your abilities and allow for time to take breaks. You probably want to start by 10 (we started at two, and hiking down in the dark wasn't the most awesome) and bring plenty of snacks and water. And make sure your camera batter is charged, or else the photo's you take at the summit will have to be with your cell phone.

Thank you, whoever you are, for reading.
-A.H.