Harmless monster in the liminal light.

Opal Creek, raging.

Its been awhile since I spoke at any length about my eating disorder. I think, as silly as this may sound, I actually hoped I was "done" with it. So long had it been since I'd experienced a trigger of any size that I did kind of think, well, maybe..

But now, maybe not.

I guess that's what I'm here to talk about right now, the seasonal nature of things. Seasonal indeed because somehow this autumnal shift, my favorite time of year, has sent me reeling across my recovery. Maybe the darkness has seeped in too far, past my windows and into my skin, maybe its the cold or the desperate look of the bare trees by the river.Whatever its origin of source I feel it, the way someone standing too close brushes against your arms.

But I've learned what to do. And I understand why this shadow part of myself would rise up to be seen at this time of year, with its liminal nights and transparent curtain and heavy action in the 8th house we had on October 29th. Its fitting. I can now recognize this eating disorder, this shadowy, dark, and truly honestly dangerous part of myself as my inner child, tugging at my hem because she needs something that I've over looked. In this light, soft as bedsheets, this monster is not so dangerous. With compassion and gentleness, I ask, "What is it?" With compassion and gentleness I eat, and sleep, and coo that test scores aren't everything, and don't drink too much caffeine.

And so it goes. Soon it will pass and she, and I, will rest again. Tides turn, trees burst and bloom and rest again. Eating disorders are far reaching, touching each aspect of our lives, ready to morph into new triggers we never would have expected, like having to put your cat on a feeding schedule.

And so it goes. And I'm thankful for these seasons and cycles, in the trees and in my body. The stubborn, gorgeous insistence on survival, no matter what the odds.

-A.H.

Emergency Scramble

I'll just jump right to it. I'm in a place where most food sounds just awful.
Or it will sound delicious till its in front of me, or till I'm three bites in, and then it sounds (smells, tastes) awful. This happens from time to time and its a major deal; either its the starting pistol for my eating disorder (ED), or its a red flag that lets me know ED is already up to some stuff. When its hard to get enough calories old muscle memories kick in; when my body and brain aren't being nourished my anxieties are impossible to reason with. This creates a neat little feed back loop that makes life tricky.

SO I'm an emergency scramble to find recipes that are pretty, fun, and easy. Deliciousness, of course, goes without saying, but like I mentioned above, my delicious radar is pretty fickle lately.

To be honest, in this Emergency Scramble to Head Off The Eating Disorder At The Pass, the operative word here is easy. Something that wont involve a lot of thought or effort. I'm basically tricking myself into eating. And that's okay. It isn't ideal, but its okay. We do what we have to do to start a positive spin on the snow ball.

Today I made tuna on toast and I'm going to tell you about that now.

My favorite brand is called Sustainable Seas; the 100% pole caught option is in a green can:-)
I fill my tuna with veggies, herbs, and olive oil. This makes it a much more robust mix; it will last you longer, and it really packs in the nourishment.

These are the ingredients I used.
2 whole green onions
1 celery stick
a freaking fist full of cilantro
a wedge of lime (could have used more but whatevs)
3 cloves of garlic (could have used more of this too.)
only a little bit of salt. That bowl is just for the picture.

Not pictured; chili powder and paprika. Feel free to add mayo, veganese, mustard, whatevs.

Those tomatoes will be place directly onto your toast. Once the toast has been achieved, drizzle some olive oil on it, then lay the tomato slices on. Now, while those three are getting acquainted, mix your veggies in with the two cans of tuna. Drizzle more olive oil; we're looking for good fats here to help our brain, our joints, our skin, everything basically.
Sprinkle on salt and seasonings AND BOOM

You have something amazing to eat at the window while you watch the cars.

There are endless variations on this old standby; my favorite involves the addition of black olives and pickles, swap out the paprika and chili powder of cayenne and dill. Slice up and avocado to smash in there and clutch your pearls, you've got a masterpiece.

Thank you, who ever you are, where ever you are, for reading.
-A.H.