Jammed.

Ailment; stagnation and self pity.

It may have started with an purchase of accidentally decaf coffee.
It may have started with the cold and rain well after Mother Damp Earth was supposed to wake the soil.
But I think it was the decaf coffee that started it all; tired and confused, we kept asking each other "Did your head hurt today?" kept attempting to have conversations that were patch-worked together and eventually just dropped off. When I saw the label on the coffee I laughed out loud. We high fived for not getting into a single fight.

While it may have started with the decaf coffee, it persists to something deeper. A funk. That might be putting it lightly.

The confusion reached into my school and shook up my stored knowledge and all the pieces flew everywhere. I couldn't remember slopes. Or simple tissues of plants. But I once knew. Once.

I briefly entertained the idea of just sticking to the decaf, seeing this come-down all the way through, but decided that with school I couldn't risk it. I'm back on the wagon (or off the wagon) and the fog is beginning to lift, but the funk is not.

Today on my to do list was; Talk to financial aid because we need more money, Call university administrations to ask about requirements, do homework so you don't forget simple tissues again, eat. All those things cause an avalanche of anxiety under my ribs, an achy feeling, like dragging a weight for a long distance. What if they laugh at me? I thought. Why would we want someone like you? They might ask. Or they might just feel sorry for me. Poor girl, she'll never make it.

Then I began to go after my hair, my skin. Why can't I be pretty? I whined with my head on my books.
I wish I could write, I thought. I wish I could write I wish I could write. Agony. Not writers block but a wall. Too much wind and the words wont land. Everything is jammed up, I thought.
Jammed.
Jam.

I should make jam.

Janelle Monae's new video .
Put it on repeat; I'm my own private dancer.

And I made jam.

I neglected to measure the Kumquats. If you cup your hands together, its about one and a half of those.
Slice, seed, simmer, sugar. Success.

The sugar I used was coconut sugar, which gives everything it touches a caramel brown color.
I also added a dash of Cardamom, the Queen.

Kumquats are mercilessly sour, so they're the perfect choice for jam that isn't too sweet. They're bright color and cheerful scent lifted my mood right away, as citrus is wont to do.
Kumquats will draw money and success, and their sour flavor stimulates digestion and aids the liver.
This jam will mooove you. 

The citrus lifted me, but I needed some roots. It seemed appropriate, with all this rain and damp, all the earth worms I've been rescuing. Something needed to sink deep, at the same time that it needed to reach up and feel the wind.

In search for more color I made a hundred beets that stained everything crimson.
We ate them all.
Typically I like to toss whatever is about to be roasted in some oil, but since we were out, I added a bit of water to the bottom of the pan, threw in two Bay leaves, tossed them in Thyme and let them go.
Everything smelled of dirt and spice. Perfection.


Prescription; Color. Spice. Dirt. Warmth in-spite of the wet. Eat seeds till you sprout leaves.

-A.H.