Baby steps.

I tried to start a schedule for myself full of the positive things that make me feel better and whole and safe. 

As soon as, all my “progress" stopped. Its like any rules or regimen, even self decided upon, makes my disorders flair up. Terrible twos? Terrible Twenties. Tantrums galore. 

So I suppose there’s no harm or shame in starting over. Starting smaller? If I start smaller am I letting the disorder win? Does my resistance prove that what I’m attempting to do is important? Or is this just another way to be unkind to myself?

-the woman across the street is perched on her narrow balcony, shaking out a fluffy baby pink down comforter. It matches the pink molding around her sliding glass door, and clashes painfully with the burnt red tile roof.-

I took for granted how difficult it would be to take care of myself and get to work on time. A basic function of adulthood that I fail at regularly. Its difficult to explain the clutter in my brain that should look like a neat To Do list with cute little boxes to check off, but really looks more like a dirty living room where someone forgot to throw away the trash. (my truth is showing did you catch that there? trash in the living room? clutter in my brain?) The list of things I must remember grows and grows and I get quickly overwhelmed by basic things like 1. Eat breakfast 2. Get to work 3. Shower 4. LaundryOH MY GOD ITS TOO MUCH. 

Perhaps on  the days that I work I should be one thing and do that one thing, and when I succeed at that one thing then I will know how capable I am and can, with satisfaction, move on to the second thing. That one thing will be eating*. On my days off I will pick two things. Those two things will be eating* and yoga. Maybe I should stagger the days, so every other day I shower, every other day I wash my work rags. 

-its just past noon and the neighborhood is full of fire works in broad day light. A loud pop and a sharp whistle, followed by a powdery crackle. A long ways away there is a parade and I imagine there is loud cheering and smiling faces, drums and people dancing on stilts. But all I hear is the base of passing cars and the pop-hiss, and a vacuum cleaning up stairs-

The only analogy I have is Emptying My Plate, Arranging Everything In More Manageable Bites. Funny, that is the only way I can describe life to myself; eating habits. Emptying a plate. Bites of a size to justify consumption. 

That's fine. I'll start as small as I need to. Because even a baby step forward is still a step forward.**

*eating = three meals a day plus two snacks. Still including the goal of making this foods productive foods. 
**What About Bob reference. Nice. 

Day 1; June 26, 2013

The internal resistance that wells up at the slightest imposing of rules or regimen, even the self imposed, would be impressive if it wasn't so annoying. My whole attitude yesterday was "but I don't waaaaant to". Cue whining. Digging in of heels. Excuses excuses.

That being said, the day went swimmingly. I slept till I wasn't sleeping anymore and woke to the smell of coffee and my husband, rubbing my back and singing to me softly (I don't remember all the words, something about coffee, and waking up so we could watch RuPaul's Drag Race.) I eased into waking. I ate breakfast (bowl of granola and almond milk). I drank my coffee. I watched 3 episodes of Drag Race.

We spent the day drifting from one activity to the next; We did yoga in the park

It was the first time we've done yoga in a public setting without the armor of a class around us. It was a bit awkward at first, and our first postures were stilted. It wasn't the most purely meditative setting, but perhaps that was better for me because I loved it. Children running past singing the first few notes of the Lion King, dogs and their I.D. tags jingling past like summer sleigh bells, in the palm tree above us pigeons building a nest; their soft happy cooing and the narrow swoop, inches above our heads, carrying softer twigs from the neighboring trees. The warm sunlight. The cool breeze. I felt so relaxed, so happy. 

The asanas were restful ones, mostly seated and laying down, focused on stretching and breathing. 

Later we went to Flora Grub and talked to plants, then we went to the Green Apple Book store where outside a movie was being filmed (called The Quitters. We aren't in it but we did pet the dog while he was waiting for his call) and found my coffee shop

Peekaboo Macaroooons!

Food; Three meals two snacks? check.

           Apple juice (glutahione) coconut water (electrolytes) Black Strap Molasses (iron)

           Almond Butter Sammich in the park after yoga (PICNIC HOLLER!!! (tree nuts are high in l-tryptophan, magnesium, and calcium. (l-tryp = serotonin woopwoop))

           Big Salad including radishes, cucumber, lettuce, kale, hummus, cheese, olive oil, 1 garlic clove, broccoli (there we got the B vitamins going on, folate, vit C, l-tryp, glutahione, iron, magnesium, calcium. literally everything except the zinc. high fives for everyone)

           Salmon and Potatoes for dinner (omega 3's, B's, l-tryp, glutahione,)

           Nectarine + Macaroons, for snacks.

Anxiety; waves through the day, peaked at around 8:30 when we were coming home. 7 out of 10.

Depression; waves throughout the day, consistently reaching 6.5 out of 10.
E.D. thoughts; only when recounting the list of food I ate. 4 out of 10. Not bad. 

Watch for resistance. Listen for the protest. That is your clue. That is what you need the most. For me, that stubborn spot is meditation and breathing. Yesterday I wouldn't do it. There wasn't even a portion of me that attempted to reason with the protester. At every gentle suggest made by my helpful husband I answered flatly, wringing my hands and staring blankly at the wall "not now."

So there it is. Goal for tomorrow; Turning inward. Breathing. And better quality pictures. 

-A.

The Plan.

Hello. My name is Ashley (hi ashley). To put it bluntly, I have problems. I'll just jump right in. For most of my life (we're talking since the age of seven) I've struggled with anxiety and its various manifest sub-disorders. My journey begins with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) which quickly morphed into generalized anxiety and panic disorder, which then grew into agoraphobia and hypochondria, which met up naturally with deression somewhere along the way, to settle nicely into an eating disorder which dominated my life for almost a decade (anorexia non purging bulimia, formerly classified as ednos till the industry altered is "standards"). These set up camp, erected housing and cleared a town square, making my brain a grab bag of disorders and my life a widows nest of symptoms which both contradict and even perpetuate each other. Some of the aftermath includes learned helplessness, a phenomenon which prevents me from acting out most executive functions (doing dishes, organizing, remember homework) a pervasive feeling of worthlessness aggravated by my perceived helplessness, a loosened concept of time and its passing, bouts of severe low blood pressure and anemia due to electrolyte imbalance brought on by starvation, a binge/purge cycle, and laxative abuse. I have a hard time sleeping. I have hypothyroidism which runs in my family (unrelated to the above issues). Phew.

I think I'd spent my life assuming these issues would just dissipate gradually, not unlike the lifting fog, clouds on the wind, a fever after your first day on antibiotics. Maybe I thought I'd grow out of them. Maybe I thought they were circumstantial; if I met the right "guy" (air quotes because spoiler alert I'm not straight but the narrative that I grew up with tells me that obviously that's what I want (straight hetero lyfe) and obviously the right one will make all my problems go away! Cinderella and Belle and all that. I'm getting soapboxy that's not what I meant to do here) then I'd finally be happy, feel loved and safe because my hero had rescued me. But here I am, now 25, still dealing with this shit.

Don't get me wrong, in lots of ways I'm doing great. I'm a fairly functional human being: I stay bathed (the trick there? bangs that are too short to pin back when they're dirty) I've maintained pretty regular employment that pays my bills and doesn't kill my soul. I'm happily and healthily married to a nice and handsome man (see how the above spoiler alert complicates things? Don't worry, you're reading this correctly. I'm a queer chick married to a dude. It happens. Everyone's cool with it.) The trick there? Communication, communication, burritos, communication. We have our ups and downs, our baggage is not always compatible, what we need is sometimes contradictory, but we keep talking, keep trying, and keep sharing the load as much as we can. And so far we're super happy and peaceful.

That being said, my symptoms are formidable. Remember the scene in What About Bob when, upon Bob's semi-triumphant arrival to Lake Winnipesaukee, Dr Leo orders Bob back home saying "You got yourself here didn't you?!" And Bob, exasperated, tired, and desperate "Baaarely." That's me most days. I made it, barely.

The point? It looks like most if not all of these issues are chronic. And I don't want to be barely making it. Therapy is not an option at this point in my life; I'm in between moves (currently in San Francisco, probably headed up to Oregon at the end of summer) so finding a therapist, getting familiar, gaining ground, just isn't realistic in two months time. So what do I do?

Well I'll tell you. I propose these next two months be spent canon-balling into healthy things. I am going to attempt to consume foods that will help my cause; raise serotonin levels, raise iron, raise blood pressure and pump up my thyroid. I'm going to commit to a more regular yoga and meditation practice that includes pranayama (breathing meditation) and sleep. At the end of two months, we'll see how I feel.

(really this is something to occupy my mind. Recovery is slipping away, old anxieties that were in check are resurfacing again. What about Bob? Well he's back. This will give me SOMETHING ELSE to do rather than brood over my roommates scale or fret about how many people touched this muni rail)

THE GOALS;

1. To Feel Better
2. Balance

THE PLAN (dun dun dunnnn)

1. Food;
-Three meals a day, two snacks. Not easy, but I'm still bigger than my disorder.
-Consumption of specific foods that will have desired outcomes
2. Yoga; Two half hour sessions a day or one hour session a day.
3. Meditation; focus on finding moments of meditation throughout the day. For instance, when I'm bent over a strangers toilet wondering what that dribble is and why its there (i'm a house keeper. its hard.) I dwell on the knowledge that there is dignity in work. There is dignity in work. There is dignity in work. My meditation will include journaling and maybe even dialogue. This is a departure from "true" meditation, but one that seems appropriate for me. (mental disorders can make meditation tricky/difficult/dangerous).
4. Pranayama; Fifteen minutes of connecting to my breath morning and night.
5. Karmic Yoga; giving back. This is difficult in a new place where I haven't built a community yet, and where I probably really wont because I'm leaving so soon. but there are still ways. Treading lightly on the earth, talking to my plants, volunteering.
6. Sleep; I'm reluctant to commit to something here. Sleep is difficult for me because my panic disorder activates mostly at night. But a regular sleep schedule can cut down drastically on manic swings. Soooooo I'm going to try. Right now I'll say Up by 9 on my days off. Winding down every night by eleven thirty. We'll go from there.

THE TOOLS;

Omega 3's - depression, anxiety, energy levels, and eating disorder
Vit B's - depression, anxiety
Electrolytes - low blood pressure, energy levels.
L-Tryptophan; - depression and anxiety, sleeping, serotonin production.
Glutathione; Depression, anxiety, also anti inflammatory, antioxidant recycler.
Folate: depression, anxiety
St. Johns Wort? for Depression.
Ginseng? for energy levels
5-HTP? Depression
Chamomile - Anxiety, sleep
Passion Flower -Anxiety, sleep
Yoga including Karmic Yoga, Pranayama, and meditation.


That's it everyone. If you've stuck it out this far, thanks for reading. I swear the up and coming posts wont be this long. Who am I kidding they probably will be. But they'll include pictures and recipes!! Basically I'm here to talk about the things that bother me, the things that bother you (if you want) and ways we can make those things bother us a little less. Thanks for reading. See you tomorrow.

-A.

***Because I deal with an eating disorder there will be NO talk of weight; no weight loss, weight gain, no weigh ins. Weight =/= health. Size =/= health. Seriously. I've wanted for a long time now to find a place to talk about nutrition and yoga without that weigh/size dogma hanging over my head. Well here it is!!

All is coming

Something on its way. Hovering, like a leaf on the grass which trembles tickled by the breeze; either it clings to the grass in fear or its gathering force for lift off.

Something on its way. Birds quiet, dogs quiet, cats taken shelter, in the moments before the storm. 

A shift, like the yard after a gust of wind, barely noticeable and seemingly insignificant at first glance. 

It has come to me that 95% of the things that make me miserable are mere thoughts. The rest is under my control. I’ve realized in bits, like putting a puzzle together (but have to dig through couch cushions and the back of the closet to find all the pieces) that I can raise and lower these sails at will. I can drop the ore. I can jump out and swim for land. I can set up camp on the shore. I can take to the trail. 

Through a childhood of abuse and neglect I learned helplessness, and thus in adulthood would regularly default to passivity. Adrift on the tide I went wherever I was taken. For years now I’ve been planning on someday becoming a real person, carefully ruminating, reading, making charts, making lists. Germinate. Ruminate. Gestate. 

I looked up five years later and saw myself in the same spot; more frustrated, more tired, more sick. It seems there is no way to change but action. A simple one foot in front of the other. Bit by bit, brick by brick. Find one positive thing that I can do a day and do that one positive thing every day. 

It started by me speaking up and saying I needed more raw vegetables, and snacks to take to work. Then I began eating breakfast every day. I rested there for sometime. Taking in the energy that the food and the sun gave to me. Then I began to meditate daily; this has been difficult, my brain is still busy, but I’m practicing. Then I began to add in multiple yoga sessions throughout my days; this has only worked on my days (day) off, but that’s still great. <— the thing about that one is it gets me off the bed, out of my head, and into my body. Its difficult to dwell in darkness when you’re in down dog. It just is. 

That’s where I’m at. Three changes so far (and one that allows me to sit still in quiet score!). Three tiny steps out, three tiny strings cut, three bricks moved. 

There is a chance that my mental disorders may be here to say. Up till now I’ve viewed them as temporary visitors who have over stayed their welcome but I just couldn’t tactfully figure out how to get them out. But after twenty five years there’s a high probability that they aren’t going anywhere. I don’t know much about mental disorder property law but I’m sure they’ve got well established squatters rights. So what now? Do I continue to lay low and hope I don’t disturb them, do I wait for them to leave, or do I learn how to cope?

I had a thought of doing that “don’t break the chain” positive habit forming thing that Jerry Seinfeld did. When I told my friends they thought it sounded mean and offered that I should do a paper chain and instead of “breaking it” if I missed a day, I should just change the color. That way its nicer, its prettier, and my “change in chain” is merely factual, without an emotional adjective attached. I thought it was great. I had a vision of one day my daughter coming to me and asking me what was with Mama’s paper chain… This is something I’ve dealt with for years, something I’ll probably continue to deal for years. But I don’t have to be ruled by it. 

A shift, like the yard after a gust of wind, barely noticeable and seemingly insignificant at first glance.

“Do your practice and all is coming.”-Sri K Pattabhi Jois

-A.H.