Day one of Medication

I've had the filled prescriptions in my purse for three days. I've spent hours on message boards reading reviews. My in box is filled with text messages from my friends, spelling out letter for letter what their experience was like with Xanax, virtually holding my hand so I knew what to expect. Even so, three days went by and I had waves of anxiety just thinking about the pills. I couldn't even take them out of their little CVS bags.

Today was the day. I knew I had The Mr. home with me for most of the day, and I knew I didn't want to take it alone. I knew that tomorrow is Sunday, which means the next day is Monday, which means back to work, because there are only so many days you can miss before you're replaced.

So I took the bottle out of the bag. I let an our pass, its orange sheen threatening in my periphery. I opened the bottle and cut a pill in half. Then I cut that half in half. Then I let another half hour pass. Finally, I took it between two fingers, surprised that such a fearsome thing could be so small. A bit of white medical chalk lingered in the ripple creases of my finger prints. I cried and cried. And I felt nothing. Small breezes of wooziness passed, but that could have been my psyche nervously seeking side effects. I didn't feel drowsy. I didn't feel anything out of the ordinary. We watched shows as I cradled my stomach, fiddled with the heating pad, trying to make my cramps go away.

It wasn't till much later, hours after the 1/4 dosage would have worn off, that something happened. It happened in an unannounced sort of way. The way the sun sets and slowly your room is too dark and it takes you a while to realize you need to turn a light on. I had just taken the Amino Acids* that my mother had given me and they gave me an unexpected boost. A little too much a boost as it was; I haven't even been drinking coffee, so the sudden rush of energy was overwhelming. I felt fluttery and jittery. So I ate two pieces of toast with almond butter. (this is also, now that I think about it, a not small miracle. My anxiety has made it so that even when I know I feel sick because I need to eat, I can't. This moment of me eating because I needed to is huge. HUGE.) I quickly felt better. And it was then that it happened.

I asked The Mr. if he wanted to go for a walk. (He has been trying to get me to go on a walk for weeks. All his research on anxiety tells him that it will help. But I pulled the covers over my head, wept, trembled, and declined. He would rub my back and put on cartoons. So this was unexpected.) On this walk I picked some Rosemary sprigs. We stopped in from of our favorite houses and admired the plants. I crouched down to eye an unknown flower, sweetly smelling of honey and over run with busy happy ants. I held his hand. I spoke. Then I cried because I realize how long it had been.

It has been so long since we had a real, lasting, engaging conversation. Its been so long since I held his hand. Its been so long since I left the house without ending up in a fetal position. He noticed it. I didn't even have to say it. He just held up his hand for a high five and said "Look at you babe!" Then he held me in quick bursts of excited hugs while I cried and laughed and looked like a fool.

Whether or not it was the Xanax or the Amino Acids, I can't say. A combination? I'm not sure. I just hope this isn't a flash in the pan, but rather and indication of getting my life back. of getting myself back.

If anyone out there reads list and has experience with healing anxiety naturally I'd love to talk to you. My other prescription is for Lexapro, but I'm uncomfortable taking something long term. Share any ideas you have please!

The Rosemary. Maybe sprouting on my windowsill? 

And this is Z Cat. Being all cute.

An update about eating

I've been eating well, in spite of my anxiety tummy and other afflictions. Every day I ink in five squares in my planner; three for meals two for snacks. And as each meal is competed I get to triumphantly check away that square.

These are the meals I've been eating lately. Both originated as breakfast ideas, but it turns out they work nicely for lunch and dinner as well.

Meal No 1; (For the last few mornings I've been having sweet potatoes and turkey bacon for breakfast and it is yummy if you like sweet potatoes which I'm not sure I do but it works.)

One sweet Potato feeds the both of us.
First chop up some fresh sage, then Sautee it in the pan till it gets chard on its edges.
Then add chopped sweet potato.
Then move to the side. I've been having Turkey Bacon with my sweet Potatoes while The Mr has Turkey Bacon and Eggs. His smells really good. I have not taken a picture of this yet. Maybe tomorrow!

Meal No 2; I generally heat up some greens in a pan with a bit of Olive Oil, garlic, and cayenne pepper.

One head of Broccoli, chop up into cute florets Saute in the pan first, letting them get soft. This is a good time to start chopping and washing the greens. I use Kale and Collard Greens or Mustard Greens. Their pungent flavor really wakes ya up in the morning! Go ahead and add some onions or maybe even a bell pepper. You know, spice it up a bit!
Go ahead and throw that all into the pan. I like it cooked thoroughly, till the onions are almost transparent and the greens get a bit charred on the edges but not burnt all over.
Don't forge the garlic!
Sometimes I have fish with this meal. Done up in the pan with generous amounts of Dill. Yum.

Meal No 3; Rice pasta with some kind of meat (fish usually) and a salad on the side.

Meal No 4; Lentil Tacos
Pink Lentils, when cooked, resemble refried beans. On top of them go onions, cabbage, cilantro, the works.

Snacks;
Today I grilled up some peaches really fast and sprinkled a big of nutmeg on them. That was really good.

I've been staying away from dairy which has been sad. I've also been reading up on Cow personalities and Chicken treatment and Pigs At Play and its getting really hard to keep eating meat.

I've been dreaming of having a garden full of bees and butterflies.

A Barbeque from the past

This Barbeque happened on Friday August Ninth (today it is the fifteenth). It was a farewell of sorts to my friends, who moved up to Portland two days ago. I didn't take any pictures of them, I don't know why. The Lady was wearing a red dress and a new and well fitting jean jacket; deep blue denim in the lavender late summer. He is tall and fresh, as one often is after a breaking point; new air and new light gets let in through the cracks. Like a newly hatched duckling, downy and happy. And I didn't take their picture. I will have to hold that memory in my mind for always and hope it doesn't fade or that the corners don't curl with age.

I only took pictures of the food. The cake was made by the Lady, and it was the yummiest of all cakes. Gluten free and poppy seeds and lavender. Lemon frosting. To. Die. For.

They've been gone two days and I already deeply miss them.

We're going to follow them soon, in a month and a half or so, and yet I miss them.

August Fifteenth, Two thousand and Thirteen.

Rock bottom. Throw down the rope. I can't find my footing.
I haven't been able to leave the house.
If I'm walking I'm okay-ish, able to keep my anxiety around a 5. But if I'm in the car its a full blow attack.
I haven't been to work since Monday.
I was able to see a good Dr thanks to the lovely ladies I work for and with; the company paid for my visit. So I have a prescription for Xanax and Lexapro. I have the Xanax right now because it was only $11.50 but the other was $50.somthing and while my insurance is being difficult I can't afford that.
The pills are sitting next to my bed mat, still in their bag. I haven't even looked at the bottle. The idea of taking anti-anxiety medication is giving me higher anxiety. I know I need to do this. I don't think I have any other options.
What am I afraid of? Everything. Narrowing it down I feel trapped. Trapped in the side effects. I'm over thinking this. I'm trapped now. Trapped in my room. Trapped in my head.
I wish I would have written my masterpiece before taking a pill that might/will dampen my creative genius.
insert laughter.

-A.H.