Day 1; first attempt at Kava

This weekend has been a lazy one, full of easy laying around. I've got a jump start on my knitting, found some good books to read, and went grocery shopping for the week. In an hour or so some friends of ours are coming over and we will be bbqueing it up in the back yard with gluten free brownies to follow.

This morning I started the day off with yogurt, which only proved to myself that dairy is not a good option for me right now. So instead I made myself a sauteed yumminess of two kale leaves, to collard leaves, some onions and garlic. The strong flavor of these two leafy greens was a great way to get the day started. Not only are dark leafy greens high in iron and fiber, but they're also great sources of protein and omega three fatty acids. Check out this link here  for other great facts about Kale. This would be great with some potatoes or tofu too.

For lunch I had an amazing salad that my husband made. Full of all things good it had radishes, onions, avocado (<3) cucumber, sunflower seeds and garbanzo beans. Tearing the leaves and muddling them with your hands is a great way to make your dish easier to digest. In addition, it also releases the vitamins and antioxidants, making them more readily available to your system.

He makes the best salads.

I'm pretty undecided when it comes to medications of any kind, especially the psychological kind. While I recognize their merit and don't argue with their necessity in some cases, its hard to ignore the fact that they're prescribed all to often and in cases where other methods can be used. As my case worsens I haven't ruled out medication. I also started looking up medical marijuana (I've never smoked before and it doesn't seem like the best option. It makes you paranoid right? How will that help my anxiety? I'd love anyone's input on this.). But I decided to start with Kava.

And by decided, I mean my husband made me pinky swear that I would try it. So I did. For the first time today, after filling my browsers tabs with articles on how to use it and who should use it, its history, and its various forms. Kava comes to us from the Pacific Islands and is used as traditionally as a celebratory drink, not unlike wine in other parts of the world. Its also prescribed in cases of anxiety, insomnia, and physical pain. The only real concern with Kava is Liver damage, though that has been largely debunked, thought to be caused by a manufacturer which used the poisonous tops of the plant. Even so it would probably be best to consult a physician first. I didn't. So whatever.

The brand I use is Herb Pharm and it comes as a tincture. The recommended dosage is 30-40 drops but I thought started off with just 15, to be on the safe side. I took it fairly soon after eating that salad and then we went for a walk. I felt a little dizzy, or just light, like I was taller than I really was, like a shadow must feel like when it stretches long across the sidewalk in the late evening. I was super relaxed and needed to lay down in the quiet. Its been a little over an hour and I still feel very relaxed, especially behind my eyes. 

Time will tell if Kava helps in a big way for me. Taking something that I have to lay down afterwards isn't really functional for me, but maybe its just a matter of getting used to it. Also it tastes terrible. I mean...really terrible. And it makes your mouth numb (just the tip of my tongue, which is my favorite part). Anyways. Right now I feel good, focused, and relaxed. So winning all around.

Time to get this bbq underway!!

Reset button.

Quite a bit has changed since last we spoke and since days are long yet time is brief I will keep the story to the sweet details and spare you the lengthy in between havocky bits.

There is only so long that you can try to force something. If every door slams shut in your face followed by a dead bolt thud and click from the other side, at some point you must admit this "thing" that you're trying to do just isn't working out. Well, the final door shut in our face costing us $860. And we just knew, driving around San Francisco with the entire contents of our lives in our car with no where to go, looking for a Quickly because nights like this call for Boba and Fried Lobster; we knew it was over. We called our friends and let them know we'd be taking them up on their offer to house us. We found a hotel room. Made woopie on a real bed for the first time in months (insider tip air mattresses =/= sexy times).

The next day we quit our jobs outright, something we had never done before. Our bosses were understanding and generous with their offers of help; My lovely lady boss is the one who motivated me to get our money back, which we did. She also reported the bad craigslist add to the people who you report stuff like that too. By and large our experiences in S.F. were wonderful and I do miss the city, the people, the politics, the rainbows, the fog.

On the way out of the city we stopped at every food truck we saw before we said goodbye to the Bay Bridge for it would never signal home to us again.

We now live again in our home town of Fresno CA. Home to the dry grass, sharp as needles. Home to the sky, white hot. Where where water bottles and snack bars are essential survival tactics and heat stroke is an ever present threat. I couldn't admit it to anyone, not myself and certainly not to my friends back home, but living in the fresh air of the Bay did make me nostalgic for the heat of the Valley. I missed bare skin, dewy with sweat, that got goosebumps when the wind blew or when passing in front of an AC vent. I missed shorts and skirts. I missed balmy nights spent on porches dodging june bugs.

Well, After three weeks home I'm over that now.

We're staying with some friends who are really family and we are so happy and so full of peace. For the first time in ages I feel safe. We have a back yard to play cards in, a house dog who is always down for cuddles, and a whole room full of windows. I couldn't ask for more.

That being said, its interesting that my anxiety has not gotten better. In fact its worse. Perhaps this is the decompression from being so stressed out for so long. I spent months hedging myself in, boarding up windows and peering through the knotholes, shotgun loaded. I had to pump myself up and prepare for conflict just walking to the bathroom. I had to be ready for anything.

Now that I can relax, perhaps my disorders have taken the opportunity to dump months worth of panic and phobia. I can barely leave the house. My ability to work is dwindling and my relationships are suffering. I wont live this way. In the words of my dearest friend I'm not fucking around anymore. This shit has got to stop.

I've identified a strong cycle in my anxiety. Allow me to share it with you;

My phobias are 1. getting sick and 2. having a public panic attack. When I panic, I begin to feel sick i.e. weakness, trembling, nausea, dizziness. These sick feelings make me think that I am actually sick. Then I begin to panic. Then I feel more sick. An so on. If I'm home this episodes are fairly brief. If' I'm out this can escalate to the point where I'm in the fetal position in the corner of a parking garage unable to finish a sentence (that actually happened. two weeks ago.) The tipping point can either be a thought "What if I get sick." "Whats the date on this can of beans again?" or a feeling of physical uneasiness.

Feelings of physical uneasiness happen for all those reasons I listed way back at the beginning of this blog; weakness due to anemia or low blood pressure or just weakness that comes from not eating enough. Most of the time it starts with that, then spirals from there.

(This is all compounded by the fact that I was super sick for almost a week. For four full days I didn't eat, setting myself back on the track for disordered patterns of eating and phobia related to food and sickness. )


So the only conclusion I can see is that I need to care for myself a little bit better. Love on myself a little more. It wasn't that long ago that I made a commitment to do all of this, then quickly and stubbornly changed my mind. I'm not going to beat myself up about that. Reset button and go.

Commitment to health REINSTATED.

The rules are simpler this time.

1. Eat enough. Three meals. Make sure I have snacks.

2. Seriously keep processed foods to a minimum. I wont deny myself anything but I also need to listen to what my body needs. Focus on living vibrant foods. I'm also contemplating vegetarianism.

3. Yoga. Every day, though the length of practice will vary day to day depending on where I'm at and what I need.

4. Breathing and meditation. Same as above.

Tada that's it.