I will say things have been slow, when in reality it is better described as "grinding to a halt". Life is cyclical, I am mostly water, the ebb and flow of this experience is undeniable. Which is why I say things have been slow. I have been feeling burnt out, drained, butter scraped over too much bread, which is concerning in only the fourth week of school. It is not the fault of the actual educational process, but a mismanagement of scheduling and a complete lack of sufficient fundalation that is the culprit.

I would say "when money is tight" but in reality it wasn't tight, it was gone. We weren't even pay check to paycheck. In times like this, I begin to experience life not as a series of moments or sensations or thoughts, but as a series of dollar signs. I keep an invisible ledger of every outgoing dime. Class ceases to be a communal experience of shared knowledge and the building of new neural pathways, but $5 a day. Food is no longer a means to sustain my life and nourish my body and mind, its $15 and even worse, now its gone, and I have to buy more. And the ledger grows and grows till its a mill stone. I can no longer hear my own heart beat above the cash registers mocking jingle.

“Something in me will save me from utter ruin no matter what comes.”
—
Tennessee Williams

And I forget that ever time. I am incredibly blessed, because I have always been saved. Providence with inevitably swoop in with exactly the amount that was needed. The Divine is never far way. The Universe is constantly conspiring in our best interest. Whether is a surprise check from school, or being fed mana from the ravens, I will always have what I need.

Why am I writing this? I guess I'm writing this to future me, next time I find myself in a bind; take a deep breath, and trust.

-A.H.