On the Dark Moon in Sagittarius and Cutting Through the Bullshit

Monday was the Dark Moon (or New Moon) in Sagittarius, the fire sign characterized a truth seeking wandering. It is also my natal moon (which I just found out I share with Trump which is probably the worst news I've ever, ever heard and which I'm going to ignore forever).

A little bit about Moons and Fire Signs.

The moon in the natal chart describes our inner life and emotions, and as the unguarded self its the part of us that is most instinctual, coming out strongly when we're either very relaxed or suddenly find ourselves in a moment of defense. Sagittarius' are firey, fighting, questing, and leaving. They are described as a sign to whom trust in the universe comes easy, who find answers in spirituality and religious pursuits, and act on those firey flashes of instincts and inspiration without much planning or thinking. This makes it directly opposite in many characteristics to my Sun in Taurus which explains a LOT about me. Like, a LOT.

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My favorite way to check in with what the planets are doing is to do a card reading, so I pulled out my deck and followed along to the spread created by @escapingstars over on instagram

The "arm" of the arrow is cards

1. "What part of the past holds me back?" Page of Wands
2. "What doubts and lies distract me and need to be addressed?" The Moon
3. "How can I learn from the past without getting lost?" 3 of Wands

The "arrow" of the arrow is
(the top two)
4. "What message does the universe have for me at this chaotic time?" King of Wands
5. "How can I best shed my self-consciousness and express my truth fully?" The World
(the bottom two)
6. "What will benefit from these new beginnings?" 5 of Cups
7. "What intentions should I set?" knight of Wands

And the point of the arrow is
8. "How can I harness this new moon's energy?" Ace of Swords/The Emperor

(Sometimes when I read I elevate the Ace, which is when anytime you draw an Ace you place it at the top and in this way it "hovers over" the whole spread, lending its energy to everything. So I elevated this Ace and drew The Emperor to take its place, but for some reason the Ace here just felt right, so they share that spot.)

The Wand suit is associated with the element of Fire, just like Sagittarius is a Fire sign, and here half the cards I've drawn are fire cards. Even the Emperor is a Fire card. I've even got the Moon card here. Basically, the cards showed UP for this reading.

Breaking it down(Disclaimer; I don't know who, if anyone, reads this. And this makes it very easy for me to turn it into a public journal of sorts. This is going to be kind of personal, trying to not be too personal, but anyways. Idk. It might be rambly)

1. "What holds me back?" Page of Wands.
The Court cards are sometimes used to symbolize people in our lives, and which court card it is will give you hints as to WHO it is, and Pages are typically someone younger. I often struggle when reading court cards. But here, I knew exactly who this was. A person in my life. Younger. And this is where we start attempting to vaguely discuss family strife without giving away any identifying details.

Why is it that we struggle so much when we are loving? Why is it that our family, our first community, the people we will know the longest, are the ones who wont return our calls?

There is one relationship in particular which has been keeping me up nights. I mean that really, I wake up three times a night thinking about it, and it keeps me awake, following each imagined thread of what their reasons could possibly be. I replay the times I asked for forgiveness, and I count up all the ways I know this forgiveness has not be given. Then I turn over my own pain in my head, the pain I was in when I caused this person hurt, and the pain I feel over their actions. I think about what its like to be held responsible for something I did ten years ago. And I'm exhausted. And its time to sort it out, and let it go.

2. "What doubts and lies distract me and need to be addressed?" The Moon.
The Moon is an anxiety card. It has positive meanings too, sure, but even those are brooding. It often is a card that shows up for me when I need to do some shadow work, when I've forgotten to keep my demons close and they've slipped out of sight. It is almost always a card of division, and here is the lie.
The lie is that we are separate. We are not.
These lies of separation withing my family, within myself, within my community and my world, even though they are lies, lead me to behave as if we were separate, behaving as if I was cut off from my self, my shadow, my family. So I guard myself. And I have imaginary arguments. And I weep as if my heart were broken, as if I'd lost everything. Because in a way, I have.
It is time to draw near, and to bind tight. It is time to stitch together and make a whole.

3. "How can I learn from the past without getting lost there?" 3 of Wands.
Her is a leaving card. The Sagittarius out, to quest and discover the truth. This is the journey. It is bright and well lit, skies are clear. The traveler stands tall, firmly grasping the staff. Instantly what came to my mind was a quote from a Dharma Talk I recently listened to given by Sallie Jiko Tisdale at the Dharma Rain Zen center here in Portland titled "Do Otherwise." This Dharma Talk was about the Buddhist confession ceremony, and how a Buddhist confesses, what to do when we stumble and hurt someone. The quote I thought of was this

"This is simply autobiography. I am here. I am this. I confess knowing I and only I have done this. And I confess knowing there is no I at all. It is said that confession is a non-dual act. It doesn't require another person. You don't confess TO another person. We just confess. But it doesn't require YOU either. It is life confessing to life. Emptiness confessing to emptiness. You know the phrase Buddha recognizes Buddha? Buddha confesses to Buddha. And repentance isn't to solve your problems. It is done for ALL beings. And in order to do it completely for all beings you have to completely do it for yourself. It requires acceptance and love for yourself, not leaving yourself out. And then we say "I now confess everything whole heartedly." We repent without asking for forgiveness. When you ask for forgiveness you give the power and the responsibility to somebody else. Buddhist repentance requires us to take completely responsibility for ourselves, not just for what happened, but for what's about to happen. So if you're waiting on someone else to forgive you so that you can feel better, you're not taking responsibility. Just stand up."
Just stand up. Stand in the truth. Yes I did that thing. I did it because I was hurting. No that's not an excuse. That page doesn't know my pain. That page may never acknowledge my pain. I take full responsibility for my confession and my forgiveness. I stand up.

4. "What message does the Universe hold at this chaotic time?" King of Wands.

Stay focused. Keep the fuse lit, stoke the fire. As The Mister so perfectly put it; Rise above the chaos.
The Wand suit has a very special element to it; the lizard. Lizards, much like snakes, live their lives with their bellies on the ground (or very near it, at least). In this manner they are creatures of connection to the earth, staying grounded, staying plugged into nature. The "lizard brain" is a term used to refer to the oldest part of the brain, the brain stem, the place responsible for all the primal instincts. This is the seat of emotion, addiction, and so forth. This is that shadow self I was saying I'm disconnected from. This is the wolf howling next to the domestic dog in the Moon card. This is the wild side. Keep it near and bind it tight. Stitch it together to make a whole. The King has his lizard close. So ought I to stay centered, grounded, tapped into that first part of me.

5. "How can I best shed my self-consciousness and express my truths fully?" The World.
The Mister had input for this one as well, saying "You're already in victory. Keep it up." I'll take it.

6. "What will benefit from these beginnings?" 5 of Cups.
One of the more dismal looking cards in the deck, it isn't a doomsayer, rather its a wake up call regarding our perspectives, our grief process. What good will come of this? By letting go, by taking responsibility for before, now, and later, I will experience a new perspective, fresh and positive. I'm ready.

7. "What intentions should I set for this cycle?" Knight of Wands.
It's the final stretch of school, the nights are long and the dreariness of the 5 of Cups bogs me down. Yesterday I told The Mister my brain feels like mud. Well now more than ever is time to manifest energy and motion. Time to kick it up to a rolling boil!

8. "How can I best harness this new moon energy?" The Ace of Swords/The Emperor.
I have a tumultuous relationship with the Emperor, but after all this fire and motion the Taurus in me was happy to see a staunch (s t a u n c h) card like this. It makes sense to me.

There's a story I read in a Thich Nhat Hanh book called "The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching" thought I think this story is pretty universal. A man on a galloping horse came charging into town. The towns people shouted "Hey! Where are you going?" The man, already past, shouted behind him "I don't know! Ask the horse!"

The energy of all those wands in such a wandering sign has the potential to be very much like that story. The best way to harness this energy is to keep both hands on the reigns, keep both eyes on the road, and have my GPS set to audio alerts so I have an idea of whats coming and what I need to do about it. The Emperor is dense, like rocks, and in control.

What does this look like in practicality? Making lists. Get a schedule going, start a few routines. And wake up that sleeping militant inside me. I've kept her sedated because I fear her. But now I see I need her. Its time we learn to work together, because is the only one who can help me stay on course, keep this schedule and routine.

The Ace or Swords is a tool that cuts right through bull shit. There can be no lies nearby. Now is not the time for mincing words, or for sparing feelings. (this doesn't mean being careless and hurtful; there is a palm of peace hanging from that crown after all.) This card says my job is not to coddle right now. My job is to stay firmly and un-apologetically plugged into the core truth at all times.

Hello, who ever you are, who is reading this. May you, too, remain plugged into the core truth of you. Of us. May you, too, have the confidence of The World to take responsibility, to love yourself fully, to accept yourself fully, and to just stand up. And as always, thank you, whoever you are, for reading.

-A.H.

There are years that ask questions,

                                        and there are years that answer. -Zora Neale Hurston

                                            


What kind of year was 2014? Was it the question kind, or the answer kind?
If I said it was both would you call that cheating?

It was the answer kind. I can say that with an attitude that might mimic a form of confidence. Last year took my questions and cares into its arms and held them till they grew solid. It took time and repetition. In other words it took practice.

Practice is a word that has become so dynamic, the pairing of syllables and sounds hardly seems fitting for its meaning any longer.

Quantum Physics is mostly beyond me, but it is fascinating like women who wear three inch heels and mini skirts in the freezing night of new years even in Oregon; it is undeniably beautiful, heroic, and ever so gently saddening though you aren't quite sure why (its because it makes me sad to watch people shiver. Jesus multiplied fish and bread, but I couldn't multiply blankets and coats.) And though this school of thought tells us we make our own reality, and that we don't really know what happens to things when we aren't looking at them, because looking at them changes them ( i.e. magic) I would casually say that there are limits to the control we have over our lives, and I would remind us that there are systems of oppression and privilege that structure our day to day lives, and our inner selves.

That being said, there are some things I can control. I can control what I practice. I can practice fear, or peace. I can practice frustration, or compassion. Judgement, or love. I can practice tightness in my chest and muscles, or I can practice breathing and space. These are the things that are up to me. These are some of the answers 2014 gave me.

It is easier to practice in the face of adversity, because it is a tangible response to an urgent need. If I am dealing with an abusive co-worker, or a boss who wont pay me/is threatening my security, it became almost easy for me to remember to breathe and let go. It wasn't "easy", but after having practiced it for months, it was becoming my first response. My knee-jerk reaction had become peace and non-attachment.

Then life became peaceful in its own right. I now work for a wonderful woman in her beautiful home. My marriage is strong. School went smoothly. And in this absence of urgent need, I fell out of practice, and back into tension, judgement, rash thinking, and so much fear.

So the word of this new year is Practice. What do I want to practice? Breathing. Coming home to my body. Herbology. I want to practice the concepts Masaru Emoto practiced in his water studies; I want to be aware that everything around me is mostly water, and I can make it crystalline and lovely with my gratitude and love. I want to practice gratitude and love.

I've been reading the books of Thich Nhat Hanh as though they were devotionals, asking what I need to think about today, then opening to a random page. On Christmas Even I opened to the story of the Buddha's mother, and how we all are carrying baby Buddha's inside us (very appropriate for the day, I thought). On New years even I opened it to the story of the confrontation between Mara and Siddhartha. Even thought Siddhartha was long practiced in meditation, Mara still came to him, time and again. The book says

"Mara sometimes appears as doubt, sometimes as anger, darkness, jealousy, craving, or despair. When we feel doubtful or skeptical, he is there. When we feel angr, irritated, or lacking in self confidence, that is Mara. Siddhartha had been visited by Mara many times before, and he knew that the best way to treat him was to be very gentle."-Touching Peace, Thich Nhat Hanh, pg 40

Raised in the dichotomy of good vs evil, this approach of "being gentle" with the darkness is very new to me, but it has been so healing. Everything exists together. If we all have a baby Buddha in us, then we also have Mara in us, perhaps even a baby Mara, and both need our compassion. I have compassion on my darkness, which for me arrives in the form of my eating disorder and phobias/anxieties. I picture myself when these mental formations came to me, as a small child, coping in the only way she could. I keep her close. Harmless Monster, with flowers in her hair. Its alright to recognize her. She deserves love and compassion, in spite of and because of her darkness.

"Mara continued, 'I know you have practiced, but have you practiced enough? Who will witness that you have practiced long and hard enough. Who will testify that you gained enlightenment?' Mara demanded that someone confirm that Siddhartha was going to become a fully awakened person. At that moment, Siddhartha touched the Earth with his right hand, very deeply, with all his mindfulness, and said "The Earth will testify for me." Suddenly the Earth trembled and appeared as a goddess, offering him flowers, leaves, fruits, and perfumes... and Mara just disappeared."-Touching Peace, Thich Nhat Hanh, pg 41.

Mara demanded a witness to Siddhartha's changes, but perhaps that was not so misguided. Is it unfair to ask someone's credentials? We all crave a witness to our lives, our triumphs as well as our struggles. This is what friendship and community is about; bearing witness is a powerful thing. So could it be said that there was wisdom in Mara's demand, both in the asking for credentials and the reminder that we are humans, even the Buddha, and we need a community to bear witness for us? I don't know. I'm a novice. This could be a form of Buddhist blasphemy.

What does it mean that the earth is our witness? I thought about this all night and all new years day. We went to the beach. We made it with only an hour of daylight to spare. It was not cold, I didn't need gloves. We walked till we found a short seat of driftwood. It was damp and there was enough for just the two of us to sit awhile. And we did. I took off my heavy backpack and closed my eyes to the warm sun on my face. The gulls were quiet, except for a few lilting cries inviting the flock to move to a new spot of sand. Behind us a group of beach combers built a fire; even at our distance the crackling flames warmed me. I thought of the Earth as our witness, and I was chilled and comforted at once; for us she gives flowers and fruits, every kind of beautiful thing.

"The Earth, our mother, has brought us to life many times, and each time she receives us back into her arms. She knows everything about us, and that is why the Buddha invoked her as a witness."

I thought of the garbage island in the pacific ocean, of the mountains and their unnatural crew cuts, of Orangutans. I thought of Mike Brown and Eric Garner. I thought of wars and false flags and everything for profit. If she knows everything about us, then she knows these things too. Thus invoking her as a witness seems serious. Does she see this, our darknesses, and still vouch for our good nature?

I sat with the idea of what it would mean to be a person the Earth herself could vouch for. What would that look like, how would I need to live. I felt tremendous gratitude, because even in the face our darkness, there are still fruits and flowers, and every good thing. There are still stars, guiding us home. We have not been kicked off yet.

The sun sunk lower against the horizon and a chill crept in my coat, not unwelcome. Under and above all, the sound of the ocean that most people call a roar, but today it was not a roar, it was a song, gentle and varied, lifted us. My first day of practice.

-A.H.