Quite a bit has changed since last we spoke and since days are long yet time is brief I will keep the story to the sweet details and spare you the lengthy in between havocky bits.
There is only so long that you can try to force something. If every door slams shut in your face followed by a dead bolt thud and click from the other side, at some point you must admit this "thing" that you're trying to do just isn't working out. Well, the final door shut in our face costing us $860. And we just knew, driving around San Francisco with the entire contents of our lives in our car with no where to go, looking for a Quickly because nights like this call for Boba and Fried Lobster; we knew it was over. We called our friends and let them know we'd be taking them up on their offer to house us. We found a hotel room. Made woopie on a real bed for the first time in months (insider tip air mattresses =/= sexy times).
The next day we quit our jobs outright, something we had never done before. Our bosses were understanding and generous with their offers of help; My lovely lady boss is the one who motivated me to get our money back, which we did. She also reported the bad craigslist add to the people who you report stuff like that too. By and large our experiences in S.F. were wonderful and I do miss the city, the people, the politics, the rainbows, the fog.
On the way out of the city we stopped at every food truck we saw before we said goodbye to the Bay Bridge for it would never signal home to us again.
We now live again in our home town of Fresno CA. Home to the dry grass, sharp as needles. Home to the sky, white hot. Where where water bottles and snack bars are essential survival tactics and heat stroke is an ever present threat. I couldn't admit it to anyone, not myself and certainly not to my friends back home, but living in the fresh air of the Bay did make me nostalgic for the heat of the Valley. I missed bare skin, dewy with sweat, that got goosebumps when the wind blew or when passing in front of an AC vent. I missed shorts and skirts. I missed balmy nights spent on porches dodging june bugs.
Well, After three weeks home I'm over that now.
We're staying with some friends who are really family and we are so happy and so full of peace. For the first time in ages I feel safe. We have a back yard to play cards in, a house dog who is always down for cuddles, and a whole room full of windows. I couldn't ask for more.
That being said, its interesting that my anxiety has not gotten better. In fact its worse. Perhaps this is the decompression from being so stressed out for so long. I spent months hedging myself in, boarding up windows and peering through the knotholes, shotgun loaded. I had to pump myself up and prepare for conflict just walking to the bathroom. I had to be ready for anything.
Now that I can relax, perhaps my disorders have taken the opportunity to dump months worth of panic and phobia. I can barely leave the house. My ability to work is dwindling and my relationships are suffering. I wont live this way. In the words of my dearest friend I'm not fucking around anymore. This shit has got to stop.
I've identified a strong cycle in my anxiety. Allow me to share it with you;
My phobias are 1. getting sick and 2. having a public panic attack. When I panic, I begin to feel sick i.e. weakness, trembling, nausea, dizziness. These sick feelings make me think that I am actually sick. Then I begin to panic. Then I feel more sick. An so on. If I'm home this episodes are fairly brief. If' I'm out this can escalate to the point where I'm in the fetal position in the corner of a parking garage unable to finish a sentence (that actually happened. two weeks ago.) The tipping point can either be a thought "What if I get sick." "Whats the date on this can of beans again?" or a feeling of physical uneasiness.
Feelings of physical uneasiness happen for all those reasons I listed way back at the beginning of this blog; weakness due to anemia or low blood pressure or just weakness that comes from not eating enough. Most of the time it starts with that, then spirals from there.
(This is all compounded by the fact that I was super sick for almost a week. For four full days I didn't eat, setting myself back on the track for disordered patterns of eating and phobia related to food and sickness. )
So the only conclusion I can see is that I need to care for myself a little bit better. Love on myself a little more. It wasn't that long ago that I made a commitment to do all of this, then quickly and stubbornly changed my mind. I'm not going to beat myself up about that. Reset button and go.
Commitment to health REINSTATED.
The rules are simpler this time.
1. Eat enough. Three meals. Make sure I have snacks.
2. Seriously keep processed foods to a minimum. I wont deny myself anything but I also need to listen to what my body needs. Focus on living vibrant foods. I'm also contemplating vegetarianism.
3. Yoga. Every day, though the length of practice will vary day to day depending on where I'm at and what I need.
4. Breathing and meditation. Same as above.
Tada that's it.
No comments:
Post a Comment