3/8/114 a little update.

It was silly of me to think I could comment coherently on my process at the time. I couldn't see the forest for the trees, I couldn't even look up to see the branches, I couldn't even leave my bed.

But here I am now! I'm going to try to fill you in on the last little bit of time in a neat little nutshell, although I'm chronically long winded so this might turn into a novel. Lets see!

I live in a different state now(its funny that you're getting to know me this way, as a person who moves and changes and lives out of boxes. It's really, really not who I am at all. which would probably explain my breakdown last summer); Portland, OR. When one is in the throws of a full on mental and nervous breakdown, it is admittedly perhaps not the best time to relocate. For a good solid few months things had really leveled out in CA. I was working semi regularly, visiting with friends, eating. Once we left and got to Portland, they began to spiral down; Again, I found myself housebound, in a city I'd never seen, far away from everyone I love and everything that made me feel safe.

I kind of just hunkered down. I told myself I needed time to recuperate and rest. My husband got a job and I stayed home and watched Netflix and knitted all day. I'll be honest with you, there wasn't a lot of intention or mindfulness at work. I was never in the quiet, never alone with my mind. I had the tv going when I bathed, cooked, slept. By the time Marcos returned home I was a clattering pile of nerves at wits end, bound in blankets and pillows. He never lost his patience, or implied I should be doing anything other than what I was doing.

If it weren't for Marcos and my dear friend April, I might not have made it out alive. They fed me and kept me occupied and laughing. Aprils progress and the freedom with which she navigated through this new city gave me hope that one I, too, could confidently purchase a bus ticket and arrive safely at my chosen destination. Maybe I could one day even get a job! Ah, dreams.

Slowly, the dust began to settle. I began to find that there were little things that made worlds of difference; like going for a walk every day. Even in the snow, the freezing rain, across ice patches, it was important for me to walk outdoors. This was hard. Everything about Portland was unfamiliar and scary and dirty I thought (which is funny, coming from San Francisco I know, but I still don't see how Portland is cleaner than S.F.) I had lost all sense of direction and was literally being led around by Marcos and April, completely at their mercy. I was a child, unable to find her way home again. All things considered, yucky streets and questionable characters aside, I felt better if I went for a walk.

After having whittled my addiction down to half a cup, I stopped drinking coffee completely. I drink tea now instead. Depending on the study, tea has less than half the caffeine content of coffee. Its better for you, full of anti-inflamatory, anti-oxident, and anti-viral properties. Plus, tea pots are more expressive that a french press;-P

I'm still taking my amino acids, which has given me the freedom to address other health issues I have, such as my thyroid and my adrenals and my hypotension issues.

I'm on a set sleeping schedule, no longer staying up late or sleeping in. I'm asleep by eleven, and awake by 7:30 (my alarm is set to 8.) Waking up when my body wants to, without the intrusion of an alarm, is incredible. I wake feeling refreshed and bright even.

The most valuable change came to me in the form of a Buddhist practice of mindfulness. A beautiful friend lent me her copy of Thich Nhat Hanh's book titled "Being Peace" and told me to read it slow, and pass it on to someone else when I was done. It changed everything. I began to view myself through the lens of Non-Harming; if I must walk gently on the earth, and not cause harm to any living being, surely that includes myself. It has colored all my dealings with myself; I approach myself in this gentleness when I cook my food and when I eat it, when I bathe, when I'm tired. This has been the foundations of all my positive changes. This is the reason behind my new sleep schedule, behind my switch from coffee to tea. Now when I take my walks I walk in mindfulness, and I find that all the beauty in the world is available to me. I find peace.

I was finally able (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) to work. It became evident that what was once a time for rest and rejuvenation had drawn on and was now stagnation. Interacting with other human beings lifted my spirits as well, helping me to see my own humanity, quelling some of my loneliness. I'm also very fortunate to have a job that allows me to practice non-harming professionally; I clean peoples homes using green products. I serve my community and leave no footprints behind. A treasure.

Our apartment is in the middle of Downtown's Cultural district. Its not my favorite place but its okay. Our two cats are happy here but they tell me they miss Bruce, the dog they used to live with, and they miss going outside. I tell them I miss those things too and promise them, just as Marcos has promised me, that soon we'll have a little house with a yard and a garden. We still have our Christmas decorations up and we moved our bed into the living room.

This is it! This was a very surface level view of things and I plan to go through, item by item, and share about what has helped me out of my depression and anxiety. I'll write a really long post about Buddhism and Thich Nhat Hanh, and suggest some good teas for you to try.

If you're out there and you're reading this, thank you.
-A.

Here's a picture of our new little apartment at Christmas time <3 this is where I write to you.