Step one; I crawled out of bed, and got myself to the doctor to get some Xanax. If you've never had anxiety, it will be difficult to comprehend the super human strength that took. I could barely speak through my appointment, but the doctor was sweet and prescribed me meds and gave me thorough instructions on how to take them and what to expect.
I was petrified of taking them. I'm emetophobic. The side effect of "nausea or vomiting" sends me into a tailspin. I took only a quarter of a pill and I sobbed and sobbed in the fetal position, waiting. Just waiting. After some time, when it was obvious I'd passed the point of danger and could relax, I took some amino acids and ate some toast. What happened? Relief.
I only took the Xanax for a week. Seven days exactly. I still carry it with me. The two halves of a pre-cut pill still rattle in my backpack. I have my Lexapro prescription filled. Just in case. Its there if I need it. I never took the Lexapro because taking something long term made me uncomfortable, and I wanted to try things naturally. With the Xanax, I'd still be able to see through to how my body was responding to natural treatments; with the Lexapro, something I'd have to taper on and off of, it would be like a thick fog over everything. I wouldn't be able to see how my body responded. So I decided that I had the space to do an experiment. I was living with friends, working at a job that was being very understanding and open minded, I had a husband who worked enough to support us. Not everyone has this opportunity. I'm very lucky that I was able to take advantage of these things.
I want to say before I begin that I'm not anti medication. At all. Whatever makes you feel functional and safe, do that thing. Stay on your meds. Seriously. Taking medication does not make you weak; there is no shame. I'm so proud of you.
This is my journey of healing my brain through amino acids.
I take Twinlab Amino Fuel Mass (not lean mass. I'm going for bulk lol) You can buy it in the body building section or online from websites like iHerb.com. Marcos is credited with finding it. In fact, he spends the time on line researching and finds a lot of the things which have helped me through this process. He came across someone reviewing this product, saying that it helped them through they're agoraphobia and hypochondria (two key issues for me) and that after a certain amount of time (i don't remember how long they said, but it doesn't matter, everyone is different) they were only taking a few doses a week for maintenance. After experiencing how great I felt the first of medication and amino acids, I was ready to get on a regimen and try this long term. So we bought a bottle and a calcium magnesium supplement to help with the absorption (tri-boron plus. AH mazing product) and began to rebuild.
I noticed a change right away. I felt, clearer. It was I'd been living in a basement with the windows shut and was finally out in the fresh air. It was the feeling of taking a deep gulp of air after holding your breath. I spread the dosage out to get an even amount throughout the day (it just made sense to me to do it this way). Things became a little more accessible to me, like going to the grocery store or staying my full shift at work, or talking to my friends or having them over for a bonfire and movies.
After that initial spike, the progress I saw slowed and changed to a gradual (very gradual, so so gradual like a snail's gradual) incline. Even though things were accessible, I still felt desperate, like I was clinging to a rope above a deep, dark well, like Penny being lowered into the cave on The Rescuers. And my arms were tired. And I was wet and cold. And I started to feel discouraged.
I've said it before, I'll say it again, and I'll probably mention it a bunch more; natural healing is a slow process, and it is sometimes easy to forget how far you've come because you have so far still to go. Its good to have people in your life who can give you an unbiased and accurate assessment of where your at, where you were, and how well you're doing. For me, these people were my husband and my mom. They were the little mice in my pocket, helping me, keeping my chin up, holding up my map and showing me how far I'd come, and keep up the good work.
Its been half a year, and I'm still seeing the improvements brought about by my amino acids. I still take the dosage in three parts throughout the day, but I don't carry it around with me like I did before. I'm okay if I take one tablespoon a little later than normal. I'm even okay if I miss the final tablespoon altogether. I still need it though, and while I test the waters to see how I feel without it, I know I can't stray too far from it, not yet anyways. I live in a new town, in a new state, working at a new job and learning a new bus system. I'm building so many new neural pathways, I need that extra boost!
I take them on an empty stomach if I can (you don't have to, I've taken them with food too. It just helps the absorb if your tummy is empty. But also, taking stuff on an empty tummy doesn't bother me; if it bothers you, maybe have some crackers with it!) and I don't take them around the time when I do yoga. I want those proteins going to my brain, not my biceps.
I also take Acetyl L Carnitine and Phosphatidyl Serine to help give my brain that little extra push it needs.
I believe that it was Amino Acids that saved my brain and my life. They reinforced my foundation, giving me a firm footing, which would later allow me to address other issues and really pursue healing. I'm not out of the woods yet, not by a long shot, but at least now I can look up, touch a fern, watch a bird fly from branch to branch.
-A.
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