I tried to start a schedule for myself full of the positive things that make me feel better and whole and safe.
As soon as, all my “progress" stopped. Its like any rules or regimen, even self decided upon, makes my disorders flair up. Terrible twos? Terrible Twenties. Tantrums galore.
So I suppose there’s no harm or shame in starting over. Starting smaller? If I start smaller am I letting the disorder win? Does my resistance prove that what I’m attempting to do is important? Or is this just another way to be unkind to myself?
-the woman across the street is perched on her narrow balcony, shaking out a fluffy baby pink down comforter. It matches the pink molding around her sliding glass door, and clashes painfully with the burnt red tile roof.-
I took for granted how difficult it would be to take care of myself and get to work on time. A basic function of adulthood that I fail at regularly. Its difficult to explain the clutter in my brain that should look like a neat To Do list with cute little boxes to check off, but really looks more like a dirty living room where someone forgot to throw away the trash. (my truth is showing did you catch that there? trash in the living room? clutter in my brain?) The list of things I must remember grows and grows and I get quickly overwhelmed by basic things like 1. Eat breakfast 2. Get to work 3. Shower 4. LaundryOH MY GOD ITS TOO MUCH.
Perhaps on the days that I work I should be one thing and do that one thing, and when I succeed at that one thing then I will know how capable I am and can, with satisfaction, move on to the second thing. That one thing will be eating*. On my days off I will pick two things. Those two things will be eating* and yoga. Maybe I should stagger the days, so every other day I shower, every other day I wash my work rags.
-its just past noon and the neighborhood is full of fire works in broad day light. A loud pop and a sharp whistle, followed by a powdery crackle. A long ways away there is a parade and I imagine there is loud cheering and smiling faces, drums and people dancing on stilts. But all I hear is the base of passing cars and the pop-hiss, and a vacuum cleaning up stairs-
The only analogy I have is Emptying My Plate, Arranging Everything In More Manageable Bites. Funny, that is the only way I can describe life to myself; eating habits. Emptying a plate. Bites of a size to justify consumption.
That's fine. I'll start as small as I need to. Because even a baby step forward is still a step forward.**
*eating = three meals a day plus two snacks. Still including the goal of making this foods productive foods.
**What About Bob reference. Nice.
I took for granted how difficult it would be to take care of myself and get to work on time. A basic function of adulthood that I fail at regularly. Its difficult to explain the clutter in my brain that should look like a neat To Do list with cute little boxes to check off, but really looks more like a dirty living room where someone forgot to throw away the trash. (my truth is showing did you catch that there? trash in the living room? clutter in my brain?) The list of things I must remember grows and grows and I get quickly overwhelmed by basic things like 1. Eat breakfast 2. Get to work 3. Shower 4. LaundryOH MY GOD ITS TOO MUCH.
Perhaps on the days that I work I should be one thing and do that one thing, and when I succeed at that one thing then I will know how capable I am and can, with satisfaction, move on to the second thing. That one thing will be eating*. On my days off I will pick two things. Those two things will be eating* and yoga. Maybe I should stagger the days, so every other day I shower, every other day I wash my work rags.
-its just past noon and the neighborhood is full of fire works in broad day light. A loud pop and a sharp whistle, followed by a powdery crackle. A long ways away there is a parade and I imagine there is loud cheering and smiling faces, drums and people dancing on stilts. But all I hear is the base of passing cars and the pop-hiss, and a vacuum cleaning up stairs-
The only analogy I have is Emptying My Plate, Arranging Everything In More Manageable Bites. Funny, that is the only way I can describe life to myself; eating habits. Emptying a plate. Bites of a size to justify consumption.
That's fine. I'll start as small as I need to. Because even a baby step forward is still a step forward.**
*eating = three meals a day plus two snacks. Still including the goal of making this foods productive foods.
**What About Bob reference. Nice.
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