Hello. My name is Ashley (hi ashley). To put it bluntly, I have problems. I'll just jump right in. For most of my life (we're talking since the age of seven) I've struggled with anxiety and its various manifest sub-disorders. My journey begins with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) which quickly morphed into generalized anxiety and panic disorder, which then grew into agoraphobia and hypochondria, which met up naturally with deression somewhere along the way, to settle nicely into an eating disorder which dominated my life for almost a decade (anorexia non purging bulimia, formerly classified as ednos till the industry altered is "standards"). These set up camp, erected housing and cleared a town square, making my brain a grab bag of disorders and my life a widows nest of symptoms which both contradict and even perpetuate each other. Some of the aftermath includes learned helplessness, a phenomenon which prevents me from acting out most executive functions (doing dishes, organizing, remember homework) a pervasive feeling of worthlessness aggravated by my perceived helplessness, a loosened concept of time and its passing, bouts of severe low blood pressure and anemia due to electrolyte imbalance brought on by starvation, a binge/purge cycle, and laxative abuse. I have a hard time sleeping. I have hypothyroidism which runs in my family (unrelated to the above issues). Phew.
I think I'd spent my life assuming these issues would just dissipate gradually, not unlike the lifting fog, clouds on the wind, a fever after your first day on antibiotics. Maybe I thought I'd grow out of them. Maybe I thought they were circumstantial; if I met the right "guy" (air quotes because spoiler alert I'm not straight but the narrative that I grew up with tells me that obviously that's what I want (straight hetero lyfe) and obviously the right one will make all my problems go away! Cinderella and Belle and all that. I'm getting soapboxy that's not what I meant to do here) then I'd finally be happy, feel loved and safe because my hero had rescued me. But here I am, now 25, still dealing with this shit.
Don't get me wrong, in lots of ways I'm doing great. I'm a fairly functional human being: I stay bathed (the trick there? bangs that are too short to pin back when they're dirty) I've maintained pretty regular employment that pays my bills and doesn't kill my soul. I'm happily and healthily married to a nice and handsome man (see how the above spoiler alert complicates things? Don't worry, you're reading this correctly. I'm a queer chick married to a dude. It happens. Everyone's cool with it.) The trick there? Communication, communication, burritos, communication. We have our ups and downs, our baggage is not always compatible, what we need is sometimes contradictory, but we keep talking, keep trying, and keep sharing the load as much as we can. And so far we're super happy and peaceful.
That being said, my symptoms are formidable. Remember the scene in What About Bob when, upon Bob's semi-triumphant arrival to Lake Winnipesaukee, Dr Leo orders Bob back home saying "You got yourself here didn't you?!" And Bob, exasperated, tired, and desperate "Baaarely." That's me most days. I made it, barely.
The point? It looks like most if not all of these issues are chronic. And I don't want to be barely making it. Therapy is not an option at this point in my life; I'm in between moves (currently in San Francisco, probably headed up to Oregon at the end of summer) so finding a therapist, getting familiar, gaining ground, just isn't realistic in two months time. So what do I do?
Well I'll tell you. I propose these next two months be spent canon-balling into healthy things. I am going to attempt to consume foods that will help my cause; raise serotonin levels, raise iron, raise blood pressure and pump up my thyroid. I'm going to commit to a more regular yoga and meditation practice that includes pranayama (breathing meditation) and sleep. At the end of two months, we'll see how I feel.
(really this is something to occupy my mind. Recovery is slipping away, old anxieties that were in check are resurfacing again. What about Bob? Well he's back. This will give me SOMETHING ELSE to do rather than brood over my roommates scale or fret about how many people touched this muni rail)
THE GOALS;
1. To Feel Better
2. Balance
THE PLAN (dun dun dunnnn)
1. Food;
-Three meals a day, two snacks. Not easy, but I'm still bigger than my disorder.
-Consumption of specific foods that will have desired outcomes
2. Yoga; Two half hour sessions a day or one hour session a day.
3. Meditation; focus on finding moments of meditation throughout the day. For instance, when I'm bent over a strangers toilet wondering what that dribble is and why its there (i'm a house keeper. its hard.) I dwell on the knowledge that there is dignity in work. There is dignity in work. There is dignity in work. My meditation will include journaling and maybe even dialogue. This is a departure from "true" meditation, but one that seems appropriate for me. (mental disorders can make meditation tricky/difficult/dangerous).
4. Pranayama; Fifteen minutes of connecting to my breath morning and night.
5. Karmic Yoga; giving back. This is difficult in a new place where I haven't built a community yet, and where I probably really wont because I'm leaving so soon. but there are still ways. Treading lightly on the earth, talking to my plants, volunteering.
6. Sleep; I'm reluctant to commit to something here. Sleep is difficult for me because my panic disorder activates mostly at night. But a regular sleep schedule can cut down drastically on manic swings. Soooooo I'm going to try. Right now I'll say Up by 9 on my days off. Winding down every night by eleven thirty. We'll go from there.
THE TOOLS;
Omega 3's - depression, anxiety, energy levels, and eating disorder
Vit B's - depression, anxiety
Electrolytes - low blood pressure, energy levels.
L-Tryptophan; - depression and anxiety, sleeping, serotonin production.
Glutathione; Depression, anxiety, also anti inflammatory, antioxidant recycler.
Folate: depression, anxiety
St. Johns Wort? for Depression.
Ginseng? for energy levels
5-HTP? Depression
Chamomile - Anxiety, sleep
Passion Flower -Anxiety, sleep
Yoga including Karmic Yoga, Pranayama, and meditation.
That's it everyone. If you've stuck it out this far, thanks for reading. I swear the up and coming posts wont be this long. Who am I kidding they probably will be. But they'll include pictures and recipes!! Basically I'm here to talk about the things that bother me, the things that bother you (if you want) and ways we can make those things bother us a little less. Thanks for reading. See you tomorrow.
-A.
***Because I deal with an eating disorder there will be NO talk of weight; no weight loss, weight gain, no weigh ins. Weight =/= health. Size =/= health. Seriously. I've wanted for a long time now to find a place to talk about nutrition and yoga without that weigh/size dogma hanging over my head. Well here it is!!
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