Day one of Medication

I've had the filled prescriptions in my purse for three days. I've spent hours on message boards reading reviews. My in box is filled with text messages from my friends, spelling out letter for letter what their experience was like with Xanax, virtually holding my hand so I knew what to expect. Even so, three days went by and I had waves of anxiety just thinking about the pills. I couldn't even take them out of their little CVS bags.

Today was the day. I knew I had The Mr. home with me for most of the day, and I knew I didn't want to take it alone. I knew that tomorrow is Sunday, which means the next day is Monday, which means back to work, because there are only so many days you can miss before you're replaced.

So I took the bottle out of the bag. I let an our pass, its orange sheen threatening in my periphery. I opened the bottle and cut a pill in half. Then I cut that half in half. Then I let another half hour pass. Finally, I took it between two fingers, surprised that such a fearsome thing could be so small. A bit of white medical chalk lingered in the ripple creases of my finger prints. I cried and cried. And I felt nothing. Small breezes of wooziness passed, but that could have been my psyche nervously seeking side effects. I didn't feel drowsy. I didn't feel anything out of the ordinary. We watched shows as I cradled my stomach, fiddled with the heating pad, trying to make my cramps go away.

It wasn't till much later, hours after the 1/4 dosage would have worn off, that something happened. It happened in an unannounced sort of way. The way the sun sets and slowly your room is too dark and it takes you a while to realize you need to turn a light on. I had just taken the Amino Acids* that my mother had given me and they gave me an unexpected boost. A little too much a boost as it was; I haven't even been drinking coffee, so the sudden rush of energy was overwhelming. I felt fluttery and jittery. So I ate two pieces of toast with almond butter. (this is also, now that I think about it, a not small miracle. My anxiety has made it so that even when I know I feel sick because I need to eat, I can't. This moment of me eating because I needed to is huge. HUGE.) I quickly felt better. And it was then that it happened.

I asked The Mr. if he wanted to go for a walk. (He has been trying to get me to go on a walk for weeks. All his research on anxiety tells him that it will help. But I pulled the covers over my head, wept, trembled, and declined. He would rub my back and put on cartoons. So this was unexpected.) On this walk I picked some Rosemary sprigs. We stopped in from of our favorite houses and admired the plants. I crouched down to eye an unknown flower, sweetly smelling of honey and over run with busy happy ants. I held his hand. I spoke. Then I cried because I realize how long it had been.

It has been so long since we had a real, lasting, engaging conversation. Its been so long since I held his hand. Its been so long since I left the house without ending up in a fetal position. He noticed it. I didn't even have to say it. He just held up his hand for a high five and said "Look at you babe!" Then he held me in quick bursts of excited hugs while I cried and laughed and looked like a fool.

Whether or not it was the Xanax or the Amino Acids, I can't say. A combination? I'm not sure. I just hope this isn't a flash in the pan, but rather and indication of getting my life back. of getting myself back.

If anyone out there reads list and has experience with healing anxiety naturally I'd love to talk to you. My other prescription is for Lexapro, but I'm uncomfortable taking something long term. Share any ideas you have please!

The Rosemary. Maybe sprouting on my windowsill? 

And this is Z Cat. Being all cute.